Hacking Into Love
by Grace in Chaos
Summary: The story of how a boy fell in love with a girl through her computer, all while he was trying to steal her identity. Find out what happens when he falls for her bit by bit or rather byte by byte . AU. OOC.
1. Preface

**Hacking Into Love**

**By Grace in Chaos**

_A/N: I'd like to explain that I definitely do not own Twilight, and that any copyright infringement committed was only for recreational purposes only. Also, I am not actually a hacker, so any technical information presented in this story that is incorrect was a mistake on my part. If you are very technical and cannot handle minor errors (or major) please discontinue your reading immediately. Any corrections are however, happily received in reviews. Thank you and enjoy!_

_**Preface**_

I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the deep, clean, misty ocean air. It was air that I loved, air that I hated. Nothing made much sense anymore, and for some reason that was finally okay. Because I knew what I had to do now.

There's no other way, I thought.

Then I raised my arms above my head, ready to jump, legs tensing to spring. Then I heard a voice behind me.

"You don't know me, but I love you. So you can't do this."


	2. Chapter 1

_A/N: Again, I do not own anything Twilight related – I'm merely borrowing it for my own purposes for the time being. I promise to give it all back. And I still do not have a perfect knowledge of hacking…so don't shoot me if I get something wrong. Finally, I'd love to hear some reviews!_

_**Chapter One: Wish in One Hand, Shit in the Other**_

_Playlist: __Given Up by Linkin Park and Clouds by Neva Dinova_

EPOV:

"Dude, what are you _doing_ over there? Do you think we have all day for this?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose in exasperation. This was a delicate process. Why the stupid ass-hat couldn't understand this was beyond me.

"You need to give me a minute, Emmett" I said, trying to be calm. I couldn't afford to lose my temper. Not right now. I was too close.

"Dude, you've had _forever_ to do this! I'm taking Rose out tonight, and I need _money_ for that, ass."

I flexed my long fingers at the keyboard. "Emmett, shut up. This is complicated."

"Edward…" He started.

But I couldn't stand it any longer. Swiftly, I rose and turned, decking Emmett before he knew what was coming. He staggered back a few steps, but due to his enormous bulk he didn't move much. Instead he grabbed me around the neck, like I weighed nothing, and slammed me up against the nearest wall.

"You might be my brother, " he growled, "but that will _not_ stop me from killing you."

"Of course not." I spat at him. "But the fact that I pay all our god-damn expenses will."

He didn't lessen his grip for a minute, and I struggled to breathe. Finally, he let me go.

"Don't fuck around, Edward. I don't have time for this."

"Chill, man. Just chill. I've got this covered."

"Whatever." He said, grabbing a beer from the fridge.

I sat back at the computer again, more relaxed than I had been before. Letting pent up energy out like that just helped me. I'd been sitting here for what seemed like forever, almost breaking into a new system. It was too much for me to listen to Emmett's bitching any longer. I might love the guy, but there's only so much of that you can take before you go totally insane.

And then, finally, with one last click…"I'm in!"

"Yes!" Emmett hissed, coming up behind me. "So who's the chick? Some college-bitch, you said?"

"Yep, junior at the University of Washington – Seattle." I mumbled, still intent on the computer.

"So what's this bitch's name, then?" Emmett asked, belching behind me.

I glared at him, not even bothering to hide my disgust.

"What?" He asked, looking innocent.

"Whatever, man."

"So? Name?" He asked, getting irritated. "Or doe she not have one?"

"Bella Swan." I said, sitting slightly back from the computer. "Bella Swan."

BPOV:

"Damnit!" I cursed in a hushed tone, so as to not wake my father, slumbering in the next room. My financial aid hadn't gone through. Again. What they hell did they expect me to do? Sell myself on the corner to pay my damn way through school?

My first year hadn't been so bad – I'd gotten a lot of scholarships from my high school – thanks in part to all the APs I'd taken, not to mention those community college credits I'd gotten. Good old Forks High. Couldn't say that they didn't give me anything, I guessed. But the problem came the year after, when I realized how many one-time-only scholarships I'd gotten. Then came the hard part. My government aid wasn't enough – apparently my Dad made too much money – not like I'd ever see any of that, though. So I had to try and find a way to get enough loans to cover my tuition. It wasn't easy. Banks didn't seem to care very much about the situation I was in. Then of course, Charlie wouldn't do squat for me. He'd cosigned one with me, but I wouldn't dare expect that again. Even then, the price was too high. I winced as I remembered the bruises I'd worn for months after that. No, that was out.

So I'd decided to just keep applying all over. After all, someone had to give me something, right? Wrong, apparently. I was so damn sick of getting rejected. Seriously. And some of these banks didn't even sound _real_. 9/18ths Olympic Bank? Really? What kind of name was that? Who puts a fraction in the name of their bank? Well, apparently people that didn't think I deserved to be given money.

"Whatever." I sighed, shutting my laptop, gently caressing the top. I'd worked so hard for this thing – I still couldn't believe I had it some days.

I stood up, stretching my sore legs. I'd been sitting at my computer for way too long. Looking at the clock, I realized that if I didn't get my ass in gear, I'd be late for work at Newton's. Lovely Newton's Store…the bane of my existence, but still a source of much needed income.

Showering wasn't an option, since Charlie wasn't awake yet. I guessed that he must have the day off – usually he'd be gone to the Police Station by now. I chuckled to myself in amusement, thinking of the irony of my father as the chief of police. Seriously. How sad.

I sprayed myself with body spray quickly, hoping that it would be sufficient, with my hair pulled back in a sever ponytail. Combine that with my kaki work pants and dark green Newton's polo, and I looked like a damn fool. But I couldn't be bothered to care, throwing on some makeup and heading downstairs for a quick breakfast of cereal. Lucky Charms. My guilty pleasure. Mmhmm.

Unfortunately, breakfast couldn't last forever – despite how much I wished it could. It was peaceful, sitting at the old wooden table in the quiet, no one bothering me, being able to try and pretend that everything was okay.

Of course, pretend doesn't last for very long, does it?

As I drove my old, battered, rescued from the dump, piece of crap truck down the highway to work, I thought about that. I could pretend that everything was cool – hell, I could pretend it was changing. But it wasn't really. Yet, I guessed. But maybe, just maybe, if I worked enough hours at this shit-hole, I'd be able to help myself a little better.

"Good morning, Bella!" Mrs. Newton called to me, waving at me from the registers.

"Good morning, Mrs. N." I responded, actually smiling, despite myself. I'd always liked this woman. There was something about her, though I could never exactly pinpoint just what it was. Maybe it had to do with the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled, or the way you could just _tell_ she was listening to when you spoke to her. It was hard to believe that such a beautiful woman had created such an ugly son.

Of course, Mike wasn't ugly _physically_. He had that surfer good-looking thing going on, with his sun-bleached blond hair, crisp blue eyes, and tan skin. When I'd first seen him – when he'd just moved to Forks from somewhere in California – I'd been instantly attracted to him. All that ended when he opened his mouth. Every single time. It was like he had no idea how to be a _normal_ human, and not insult someone. He'd taken to hitting on me every time we were in the same room, and I was really starting to get pissed.

''Well look who's here…" The ass-crap voice drawled, heading out of the back room. Even in front of his mother, he still oozed that…perverseness. Who in their right mind does that? Especially in front of their parents. Seriously. I couldn't help but shudder, hoping that the ass-hat didn't think that involuntary gesture meant I was turned on or anything. Yick.

"Mike." I said, completely flat, emotionless. That was the voice I reserved for people like this – people that just took up space in my life, and didn't matter at all. Or at least didn't matter in a good way – just negative energy all the way.

"So, Bella, how soon do you go back to school? You're at UW, right?" Mrs. Newton asked me, trying to give me a break from her son's presence. This was another thing I liked about Mrs. Newton – she understood that I completely loathed her son, and tried her best to keep us separated. Thank God for people like this. Unfortunately, I was still trying to figure out how Mike had managed to not inherit a single personality trait from this woman.

"Yep, that's right." I responded, not altogether enthusiastically. I didn't really like answering this same question all the time. For some reason, the good people of Forks had all decided to ask the same inane questions over and over again. Why someone couldn't come up to me one day and ask, 'So what do you think Kafka was getting at in _Metamorphosis_?' Of course, that was one topic that I'm sure would never _ever_ come up here. No one in this place seemed to share my literary interests. Even though _Metamorphosis_ was just about the most fascinating damn thing I'd ever read.

"So? When are you going back?" She prodded.

Crap. I'd been zoning out, spending too much time in my head. Why did I always tend to do that? Talk about awkward.

"In a couple weeks, I guess." I responded, smiling. "I'm just trying to get some last-minute aid together."

She laughed, smiling at me. "I know what that's like! Putting Mike through college makes me feel like I'm going to have to start working the streets!"

"Mom!" Mike protested at her attempt at humor. For once, I agreed with him. It wasn't funny, specifically because I knew that I'd end up somewhere like that if I couldn't figure out how to get another loan.

"Oh, honey, it was just a joke." She said, laughing again and turning to sort through some papers. "Bella, why don't you get set up at the register today? Mike can handle the floor for a while."

"Sure thing." I murmured, pulling on my green vest and walking behind the counter. I was pleased – this meant that at least sometimes I'd be spared from Mike, since he had to wander the store, 'helping' the customers. Maybe today wouldn't actually be so bad…

BELLA'S COMPUTER DIARY, LATER THAT DAY:

So I had to work today. Again. I know that I should probably just suck it up and be grateful and everything – not everyone has a job. But still. Sometimes this job doesn't even seem like it's worth it. At first, I thought that it would go okay. After all, any day that Mike's separated from me is bound to be a good day. But for some reason, he still found a way to weasel his way into my life, worming up to the counter every five fucking minutes. I wish that he'd just flirt without talking to me. That would be so much better. Then I wouldn't have to listen to that creep. Maybe then I could pretend that he was halfway okay – after all, he is definitely hot. If only he was normal…then maybe I'd have a chance at having an actual boyfriend. Unfortunately, the only people (check that….just _person_) that was interested in me was a freak. Typical. What I wouldn't give for someone who…oh, never mind. It's not even worth it.

No word yet on the loan – I'm starting to think that I'm seriously going to have to take drastic measures. After all, there's no way I'm going to give up college. What would I do then? Sit around with Charlie? Have him throw me around when I make another mistake? Sure, yeah. That's _exactly_ the life I want for myself. It was bad enough for those first 18 years. Then I got free. Then I was away from it all. Just away. I could really breathe. Then this summer came like a slap in the face, sending me back to the hell of Forks. The hell of home. And the saddest part was that Jake hasn't even been here this summer. He went to stay with his sister in Hawaii for the whole damn summer. I miss him. I haven't seen him since….well, since I was a senior and he was a freshman. I wonder how he's doing?

Anyway, that's enough of this crap fest. I sometimes wonder why the hell I'm keeping a journal. Nothing even remotely interesting happens to me. So this is all just emo, I-hate-my-life drabble. Wonderful.

EPOV LATER THAT DAY:

"A journal." I whispered, fascinated. This pathetic girl was keeping a damn _journal_ on her computer. This was rich, I thought as I clicked into it. Maybe I'd get a good laugh before I robbed her blind…


	3. Words Hurt But Fists Hurt More

_A/N: First, I'd like to thank everyone who's shown an interest in this story! Especially to my reviewers :) I'd also like to thank my wonderful beta Alli in the Meadow (btw, you all should check out her stuff, especially her new amazing one-shot!). Just a heads up, there's some abuse in this chapter, so don't read it if that bothers you. Otherwise, enjoy and REVIEW!_

_**Chapter Two: Words Hurt. But Fists Hurt More.**_

_Playlist:__ None. This chapter is meant to be read in silence._

**From Bella's Computer Diary, Next Day:**

I was stupid. That's just the end of it. Plain and simple stupid. Of course, I don't think that really makes what happened my totally my fault. After all, Charlie is definitely psycho. But hey. So as for what happened? Well, I might as well write it down. For myself. Since no one out there actually will ever care. But hey, this isn't supposed to be a pity party all the way. Just a list of facts. Right now at least.

So this morning I got up early again, this time due to my fabulous job. Again. Work. Woo. And unfortunately, Charlie was still sleeping. Why that man has so many days off, I'll never know. Doesn't he actually have to work? Or go fishing? He seems to love to do that. But no. So for the second day in a row, it seemed as if I was going to go without a shower. Yuck. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that there are plenty of people out there who don't need to shower every day. But me? Hell, I might be okay if I skip one day. But two in a row? Not a pretty picture.

So what the hell was I going to do? I stood in front of my window, watching the birds in the tree outside. Maybe I could just jump in real quick, and he'd never notice. Maybe he just wouldn't wake up. After all, he was snoring pretty thunderously in the other room. Maybe it would be okay.

"Just do this." I said, annoyed at myself. After all, Charlie wasn't a total freak. He wasn't some guy that just beat me all the time. It was only on occasion, just so I'd be easier to live with. He just didn't understand how to handle people in another way – he'd been a cop for far too long, and this was just the way he'd been going on for so long.

So I showered. And if felt so, so good. Seriously, I might be weird for writing that, but it's true. Showering was just one of those great sensations, relaxing my muscles, waking me up, the works. All that, even if it lasted under five minutes. And honestly? I was impressed that I'd been so quick. My hair is pretty damn long – so that's not exactly an easy thing to wash.

And the result? Nothing. Not a single thing from Charlie. Being truly amazed, and truly stupid, I figured that he'd slept through it. Not exactly the case. Apparently he had some sense of decency, and was waiting until I got dressed. I guess, at least.

So I was in my room, just getting dressed. And I hear his door open with a tremendous crash. Immediately I seize up, hunching over. Closing my eyes, I heard him storm down the hallway. I shook as he got closer and closer to my door.

"APPARANTLY NOBODY ELSE CAN GET ANY DAMN SLEEP IN THIS HOUSE! DON'T BOTHER THINKING ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!" He shouted as he got closer, eventually pounding on my door. "COME OUT HERE NOW!"

Honestly. Who's going to respond to that? Oh sure, Mr. Psycho. I'll come out and play. Maybe never. Jeez.

"NOW!" He screamed.

Despite myself, I trembled. I hated that I was afraid. I hated that I had tears streaming down my face. I hated myself. I hated Charlie. I wondered briefly what it would feel like to push him down. To shoot him with his own gun. I wondered if I'd feel sad. Or just satisfied. I wondered what it would be like to turn his gun on myself. I wondered…

And that's when the door crashed open with a bang, hitting the wall of my bedroom. I looked up from where I was collapsed on the floor, to see Charlie barrel into me.

After that, I don't really remember what happened. I know for sure that he hit me a couple of times, backhanded. And then I was at the bottom of the stairs. Just laying there. And I heard his car pull away. It's always like this – the not remembering part. I think that it's a defense mechanism. You know, block all that painful shit out.

So then I got up and went to work. No one asked about the newly forming bruises, but I could tell that everyone that came in the store was staring at me. That's the way it always is. Sometimes I wonder if they all really don't know what's going on, or if they all just know. If they all know what's happening to me. And they don't do anything about it. Why? Because people suck. And they don't give a fuck. Hey. That rhymes. I knew I was a literary genius. Haha.

Enough of my stupid life and my stupid fucked up Dad. Fuck me. And no loans. No financial aid. Nothing. And secretly, I think that I might be scared. But that's what I don't like to admit to anyone. Barely even this damn diary. I wish I could just burn this diary and all the evidence of my pain. And then just burn my life away.

**Edward POV, Same Day:**

"Damn." I whispered. This girl had one fucked up life. But don't we all? Still, this was extreme. I didn't know why I thought that. After all, everyone gets knocked around sometimes.

"Get a grip, Cullen." I muttered to myself. I had some work to do. Unfortunately for me, her financial situation was a lot less optimistic that I had hoped for. Initially I'd figured that she'd have a bunch of scholarships and loans giving her money. The plan was to grab that from her before she paid her school. Brilliant. Lucrative. But now maybe not an option. Damn girl had to stop whining and get some money.

But I still couldn't stop that sick feeling that was brewing deep inside me, foaming and bubbling in a way that I didn't understand. "I must just have indigestion." I murmured, rubbing my stomach and thinking about the burrito I'd had for lunch.

"Yo! Edward-o!" Emmett sang, coming through the door, slightly inebriated as usual. "What's hap-hap-happenin', bro?"

I didn't respond, just browsed through Bella's computer intently. I didn't understand my interest. By all rights I should just move on to someone else. There had to be a better gold mine than this.

"You gots me some monies yet, broooooo?" Emmett half drawled, half sang to me, coming up behind me.

"Not yet." I answered tersely, irritated. I could just grab the couple hundred she had and run. I could. So why wasn't I?


	4. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: This chapter is much shorter than I'd really like it to be, but I thought that it was a good section. Also, I have finals coming up next week (spring semester at college…it sucks), and after that I'm moving back home for the rest of the summer. So I won't really be able to write much these next couple weeks. So for now, this is the third chapter! Enjoy! Also, please check out my new one-shot if you're interested (and if you haven't read Alli in the Meadow's stuff- get over there!). Lastly, REVIEW! SERIOUSLY! Just a few words is fine, guys. Just anything would be nice. I know you're out there reading this. And…if you do, I may give one randomly selected reviewer a sneak peak at what's to come…_

_Playlist: This Week the Trend by Relient K_

**Chapter 3: I See You**

I wasn't sure what time it was – whatever it could have been didn't mesh well with me. For a few moments, I was deeply disoriented. What the hell had woken me up? Phone. Phone was ringing.

Groggily I found it, and managed to accept the call.

"Hello? Bella?" A voice came from it. I realized that I had forgotten to say anything. Whoops.

"Muh." I half spat, half barked at the phone.

"Bellllllaaaa!" The musical voice rang again. "Wakey, wakey!"

"Jesus, Alice." I finally managed, just trying to get her to shut up. "Do you even realize what time it is here?"

"Oh, well.." She trailed off, clearly just now realizing the epic time zone difference we had, now that she had gone back to Maine for the summer. "That doesn't matter!" She sang. "Now you can just get more done today! Such as talking to your very best friend in the _universe_!"

"God." I sighed. "Keep your pants on, woman."

She laughed, as she instructed me to turn my computer on.

"Why can't we just talk on the phone, like so many normal people do?" I wondered aloud, waiting for my laptop to boot up.

"Because then you couldn't help me pick out what I'm going to wear today! Silly!"

"And why would you want my advice on that? Aren't _you_ the one who moans about how fashion-challenged I am?"

"Just because you have no energy to dress yourself well, doesn't mean you don't know what looks good." She scolded. "You don't give yourself enough credit."

"I try to limit the credit I give myself until I'm actually _awake_." I responded dryly. "I don't want to spend too much in one day."

"What-EVER, Bella!" She sang. She was in such a good mood I thought I was going to rip my ears off. And burn them. And then flush them down the toilet.

It was always like this with Alice. Everything was perfect peaches and cream in her mind. Seriously. At first she annoyed the hell out of me, but then I realized the strength of will it took to have that sort of outlook every single day. I admired her for it, and we've been friends since. She was one of the good things in my life. Even if she did get me up before dawn to pick out her damn outfit.

"Seriously, Alice, I'm sure that whatever you pick will be great. I don't see why you need me for this."

"Bella, sometimes I wonder what planet you live on! Seriously!" She shook her head, which I was now able to see thanks to Skype. "Okay, here's the first one. What do you think?"

She had some frilly thing on – I didn't really care. "Looks cute." I said dryly.

"Bella, you're not really looking!" She complained, making me actually focus. So much for the hope that I'd get back to sleep soon.

EPOV:

I took a sip of my coffee, waiting for my computer to boot up. I was determined that I'd get whatever I needed from Bella today, and then just leave her the fuck alone. I normally didn't spend this much time on one person – specifically one person that wasn't looking so damn promising anymore. I stared at the screen fixedly, trying to will myself not to go snooping through her files again.

Once I was into her system, I realized that she was using her computer at the same time.

"I should not be doing this…" I muttered as I gained remote access. I quickly released my mouse, not wanting her to think anything was weird was happening – after all, when you see you mouse pointer moving without you touching it…that leads for some concern. In most people, that is. Emmett would never notice.

I sat back, realizing that I was looking at the girl herself, doing some sort of Skype call with some obnoxious girl. Bella was captivating. Though she obviously just crawled out of bed, she was beautiful. Not in a traditional way, either. There was something different about her – like she had some essence about her that only I could see. I couldn't look away.

"What are we looking at, bro?" Emmett asked, coming up behind my while munching on cereal.

"Ah, nothing, just some chick." I mumbled, clicking out of my access. I'd get her information another time.

"Video about to get too freaky for me?" Emmett laughed as the Skype chat disappeared.

"Oh definitely." I responded. "Children like you shouldn't be allowed to see things like that."

"Psh." He laughed. "I'll throw a dollar at whatever I haven't seen before."

I laughed with him, going into the financial documents I'd found on Bella's computer earlier.

"This doesn't look good, bro." I said. "She's totally broke."

"I thought she was going to get these killer loans we could take." He responded, using his dumb voice.

"Well, yeah. She was. But it doesn't look like that's going to come through." I was disappointed. Unfortunately, I wasn't disappointed for myself loosing the money. I was disappointed because I had no idea what this was going to do to her. She'd never go back to college – she just couldn't afford it. Her life was headed down the drain fast. It unnerved me how much that bothered me.

I shook my head. I'd just been reading her damn diary too much. I was becoming obsessed. I just needed to move on. Forget about it.

"Can't we find a way to forge something – get the banks to give her money?" Emmett asked.

"God damn you." I breathed. "Would you believe that's actually brilliant?" I was excited now. "We can hack into the banking system – there're got to be one out there with shitty internet security – and we get them to give her the loan. Then we take the loan from her. It's perfect and totally untraceable back to us!"

"See? You're not the only smarty pants around here." Emmett said, belching.

"You'd never guess." I muttered, turning back to the computer. I had work to do.


	5. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: I'd just like to take a second to thank all of the wonderful people who have reviewed this story! You guys (while few in number) are awesome! I would also like to encourage the other readers (who are coming from 36 different countries) of the story to please leave a comment, good or bad :) As for this chapter, there is a little mention of drug use, so if that's going to bother you, beware. Also, feel free to comment on what you thought of the Eclipse movie in your reviews (since I know many of you have seen it – I have twice, with my third time tonight…haha). Enjoy this chapter, and enjoy watching ECLIPSE! I love you guys!_

_Playlist: Airplanes by B.O.B featuring Haley Williams_

**Chapter Four: Don't Bite Me In The Ass Again**

Bella's Diary:

Today was a bad day. I'm not even really sure why. I just don't feel right. I didn't see Charlie all day – which was weird, but not totally unusual. Sometimes he'd just disappear, go on a fishing trip, or just fall asleep at the station and stay there for a couple of days. Where he was now, I had no idea. I hoped it was a fishing trip – those usually kept him away longer. But my luck, he'll probably be back tomorrow. Ugh.

I didn't have to work today, so I just sat at home. I watched TV…movies…read…nothing. I did nothing. Part of me enjoyed that, but the other part just thought that it was freaking lame. Who sits inside _all_ day? I seriously didn't go outside once. Before…when I was happy….which is hard to remember…I might have gone outside, gone to the beach, sunbathed. I used to like the feel of the sun on my skin, I think. Or maybe I've always just been like this. Depressed. Lonely. Sitting by myself. I knew that if Alice was here…or at least in the same state…we'd hang out. Probably. But that's all I had. No one else. Nothing. I glanced at my bookshelf. I still had my books. I'd always have them. My real friends. They'd never let me down, never be angry with me. Anytime I'd need them they'd be there, waiting to take me somewhere else. Take my somewhere else, out of my own miserable life. Away from Charlie and the way he made me so afraid I could barely stand it.

And I've just realized how utterly stupid this entry is. Seriously. It's just a jumble of how I hate life. If anyone ever read this they'd think that I'm a total psycho freak. Someone who can't seem to just suck it up and be happy. Be like everyone else. Go out, meet people, have fun. How hard could that be? Why can't I seem to get a grip on it? What's happening to me?

EPOV:

Chick was crazy. That's what I decided. There's no way normal people live, and think, like this. I'd freak out if I just sat around, acting all depressed like she does. This girl needs to go out, get drunk, and forget about herself. Seriously. I've never known anyone else to live so much of their life inside their own head. She needed…to get laid. That would probably fix a lot of her problems.

"Yo! Bro!" Emmett hollered as he came in. "I've got some good stuff for you!"

I got up to check it out. "Weed?" I responded, disappointed. "You're shitting me, Em! This is pansy shit!"

"Dude! It's all Jasper had right now!" Emmett said, shoving me enough to know that he meant business. "Plus, I got a great deal."

"How great is great?" After all, even if it was just weed, a good price would satisfy me. Sometimes it felt like money was as much of a drug as any coke or heroin ever were.

"Half off."

"Shit." I whistled. Jasper was good, all right. He knew that I'd be pissed he didn't have my heroin. "When's he getting my stuff?" I asked. I couldn't wait forever. If he didn't have more soon, I'd be out. And that wouldn't be pretty. For me or him. Stupid fuck.

"Soon, man." Emmett responded, understanding my addiction. He wasn't much better than me. "I told him tomorrow's it. Otherwise…" He cracked his knuckles ominously. I wouldn't want to be Jasper if that shit went down.

"Let's smoke this shit, then." I said, reaching for the bag. The weed wouldn't do it for me – not by a long shot – but it was all I had right now. It wouldn't be so bad. After all, I was sure it would take the edge off. Then maybe I'd stop thinking about Bella. Maybe I'd stop reading her diary ever damn day. Or maybe not…

BELLA'S DIARY, NEXT DAY:

Weird day today. Especially for me. I'm not even sure how to start. No, that's stupid. I don't know why I wrote that. I know exactly how to start. At the beginning until the end. I'm not a fool. I won't let him make me one. Although…

NEVER MIND! Ah, my mind. Anyway, here's what happened, written down (or typed up, lol) :

I was just sitting there at home, wearing a pair of shorts and a green t-shirt, reading. It wasn't as sad as yesterday – I was feeling more normal, relaxed. Apparently this was the up of my crazy moodiness. And I was so content, sitting there on the porch with a glass of lemonade. For a moment I thought that all I would need is a cat, and I'd be a crazy old lady. I guessed that it could be a lot worse.

And then a boy pulled up in an old, patched-up car. I didn't immediately recognize him as he got out. He was ridiculously hot – deliciously tall, deep tan skin, black hair cropped short but still sort of shaggy. He was built too, with muscles that made me practically swoon. Usually I wasn't this caught up on hot guys…but this one. Wow.

Then he saw me, and his face broke out into the biggest grin I'd really ever seen. It seemed to make his whole face light up with joy, like he was radiating happiness, warmth. It was something that the darkness inside me instinctively pulled towards; I moved towards the opposite. Towards the sun.

"Bella!" He called, clearly happy to see me. It wasn't until he spoke that I fully recognized who he was.

"Jacob?" I asked, getting up and racing to meet him. He instantly pulled me into a hug when we met, lifting me off my feet like I was nothing.

When he finally set me on my feet, after twirling me around a few times, I pushed back from him, still gripping his arms.

"God Jake! I can't believe it's you!" Squeezing his bicep I said, "You're…buff? How?"

"Well, Bella, if you'd have come to see me more, you might have realized that I grew up a little." He chided, still grinning at me. "I played a little football in high school, and now I guess I just like to work out." He flexed him bicep at me, and I think that I may have blushed.

"Well, come on in, Jake! Do you want lemonade or anything?" I asked, ushering him out of the summer heat.

"Lemonade sounds great, Bells." He said, following me into the kitchen and plopping into a chair. Seeing him there made me think how much he _belonged_. He was so part of this place – this world. He always used to make Charlie less mean, and my life more….well, more normal. Happy almost. But back then he was just a kid. I knew how to act around him. Now, well, now he's a man. There's no questioning that. It made me nervous.

"Here you go." I said, putting a glass of my lemonade in front of him. I hoped that he liked it – I tended to put a lot of sugar in it. The sweeter the better, I thought.

"So, I thought that you could use some company over here." Jake said casually. I was confused, and clearly he saw that on my face. "Since Charlie and Billy went on that fishing trip? For two weeks?" He looked at me like I was crazy. "Did Charlie not mention this at all?"

I blushed again, wanting to hide how bad things were now with my father. "Oh, no, right. Of course. That's so nice of you. Truthfully, I had no idea that you were still around here."

"I guess we lost touch, hey?" He said, following me into the house with a smirk.

"We'll have to make up for lost time." I responded. I couldn't believe I'd said that. Was I flirting with him? What the hell? This was the boy I used to make mud pies with. Clearly, something was not right. I shouldn't feel this way about someone who for all intents and purposes should feel like my brother. After all, he was the closest thing I had to a sibling. So why did I just want to jump his bones?


	6. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: I know that I normally don't do this. Two updates in one day? Wow. But this is just a short chapter that I have. I would usually like it to be longer, but this is short for a purpose. Enjoy and review!_

_Playlist: Airplanes by B.O.B. featuring Haley Williams (same as last chapter)_

**Chapter Five: Past and Present**

EPOV:

Emmett didn't understand. Not anymore. He and I had started as practically the same thing – two rebellious boys that couldn't stand to follow the rules. We'd played together when we were little – superman and batman when we were very young, then cowboys and robbers (Emmett was always the robber of course). Things had gone downhill when our parents died – the Masens. They'd always been loving to us, that I couldn't deny. But they'd loved us from a distance. In their opinions, young boys needed to be separate from their parents in order to grow up strong. So after the accident all we knew was that we had to be strong. Tough equaled strength in our minds.

So we got kicked out of foster home after foster home as we got into more and more fights, and started getting into heavier and heavier drugs. We were told that we were bad kids. Worth nothing. Going nowhere. Worth nothing. And when someone tells you that? You believe it. You don't argue. But it does make you worse. At least, it did to us. We were terrible. Emmett found the fun in robbery – which he was very good at. And I found my solace in drugs. And technology.

People used to tell me back then that I was so smart – I just needed to apply myself, make something more of my life. I just needed to stop the fighting, stop the drugs, stop with the girls. It all had to stop they'd told me. That way I would be able to be a decent, smart person. How I resented hearing that. I'd thought that no one understood me. No one would. So that's when I decided I'd show them. I'd make my money through my smarts and my lack of a conscious. Obviously, that led me to hacking. Emmett loved it – loved that it gave us money, a life, distance from our foster families.

Then everything seemed to fall apart. We were both seventeen, seniors in a high school in Chicago that we rarely ever went to. We got kicked out of another foster home, and sent to yet another eager beaver family. They were Carlisle and Esme Cullen. No children. They thought that they were so wonderful – with all their money, and their generous hearts. I hated them. Emmett hated them. We didn't want anything to do with anyone who claimed to want to help us. It was all shit to us. But deep in my heart, I loved them. They reminded me of our parents. They were kind to us. I would have stayed with them.

But Emmett. He couldn't handle it. And one night my whole life turned. Again. Emmett and I were drinking upstairs, doing drugs…too many for me to recall. I didn't know what all I was on, but I was totally fucked up. Emmett too. Then Emmett had an idea. Take all their money that we could (the Cullens liked stores of cash). And run. Be free finally. No more school, no more rules. But when we were going through Carlisle's safe, they came back home. We panicked. Emmett grabbed Carlisle. Put a gun to him. Shot him in the leg. Esme screaming. Me throwing her to the floor. Hitting her. Over and over until she shut up. Us, taking the money and running. Hearing the sirens in the background.

And that was that. I have regretted that night every day since, remaining unable to do anything to change it. I guessed that it meant I was really bad after all, even if they did both survive. I never had anything good in me. Not ever. Despite everything, though, I'd taken the Cullens' name. Emmett had gone along with me, not understanding. But I wanted to at least pretend that I'd once been their son.

For a while, Emmett and I had remained on the same level. Doing the same amount of drugs, all that. But then. We seemed to get off from each other. Emmett didn't understand why I always had to be messed up, why I always had so many drugs in my system. He didn't understand that I needed it to numb the pain. To take away everything I'd ever felt. So I could steal lives from my computer. Emmett didn't understand that I hated my life. That the drugs were my escape.

He also didn't understand what I was doing with Bella. Hell, I didn't understand. All I knew is that she made me _feel_ something, no matter what I was on. She was so innocent, just took all the crap that life threw at her. I was worried that she just wouldn't be able to take any of it anymore. I was worried that something would happen to her. I needed her to be okay. To live well. She deserved it. She deserved money to go to school. And I was going to get it for her. Sure, I'd have to steal some. But I'd make sure that she could go to school. She had to.

Emmett just thought that I was crazy. I was. I am. I always will be.

Bella's Diary:

Today I got a loan! Yes, I'm shocked. I don't really understand why the bank finally decided it was okay, but I'm too excited to care. I don't know where I stand as far as tuition, but I think that I'm finally getting closer to paying everything for next year. I haven't felt like this in ages. It's like I'm almost _awake_. Crazy.

Jake is part of it. He's come over every day for this past week. This past Charlie-less week, that is. Charlie is still gone. It was wonderful beyond anything. I had to work a few days, but even Mike couldn't bring me down. Not when Jake would be over every night. It was like old times with him – me cooking us some food, watching movies, talking about nothing. I still had very few details about what he was actually _doing_ with his life now, but that wasn't something that bothered me. He doesn't know much about me either. It's like we're sitting back in our own little world of the past, pretending that everything is simple.

And it's so easy to believe that. Especially with Charlie gone. But deep down I know that things aren't going to stay like this for long. It's a scary thing. To know that everything's going to fall apart and not be able to do anything to stop it. It's like being on a train, barreling towards the edge of a cliff, with no brakes. Scary as hell. Scary like my life. But for now? Everything's going to be okay. For a little while longer.


	7. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: I'd like to give a big thanks to the reviewers, who are completely awesome. I'd like to give a special shout out to _no.1twilightluver, Alli in the Meadow, and SleepMyBella, who have all given numerous awesome reviews. If I were rich, I'd give you guys Volvos or something :) This chapter is not my favorite, so it took me a while, and I'm still not happy with it. But please bear in there, the next one will be better!

_Playlist: Don't Rain On My Parade_

**Chapter Six: The Illusion of Happiness**

BELLA'S DIARY:

In my last entry, I was happy. So happy. Wouldn't it be nice if this was the same? Wouldn't that be just fantastic? If I said that when Charlie came back from his fishing trip, he apologized for everything he's put me through. If he was a changed man. If Alice had remembered that I was still here, lonely and missing her. What if that's what happened? Too bad it would be impossible. First of all, I'd probably die from shock if so many incredible things happened. And then I'd never be able to write again.

Nope. I have no luck. But I can tell you, my diary, what really happened (it's not so bad, honest):

Jake and I were sitting outside his house. I didn't have work, so I'd decided to go see him. He was the only person I seemed to have in my life right now. Alice hadn't called me for weeks, hadn't emailed me, nothing. It was scary, because I didn't want her to just forget about me. I knew that she was always so much better than me. She was so _cool_, full of this intensity and happiness that made everyone want to be around her. So there was no way that I'd ever be good enough to be her friend. That's what I used to think, but she surprised me. But now? I know that she's probably found a better crop of friends. People better than me, who's so quiet and depressed and afraid that I can't possibly be good enough to be her friend. Or I could just be imagining things. Who knows? Maybe she's just busy, and everything's actually fine.

But Jake? He seemed to like me. Even though he was so obviously out of my league physically, he'd grown up with me. He knew me, and that was something that I could hold on to. On top of that, he also seemed to genuinely like hanging out with me. Shocking, right?

"Hey, Jake?" I asked. We were just laying on our back in his yard, letting the sun nurture us. Loving that Vitamin D.

"Yeah, Bells?"

"What do you think that cloud looks like?" I pointed straight up. "It looks like a tree to me."

"A tree?" He scoffed. "Hell, no."

"Oh, so you're the grand master of cloud shapes now?" I teased.

"I always have been." He said proudly, playing along. "I think it's a cat."

"A cat?"

"Why not?"

"Because it's a tree!" I exclaimed, sitting up and swatting him on the arm.

He sat up too, so that we were face to face, only inches apart.

"No, it isn't." He whispered to me.

I was confused by his nearness, the look in his eyes. I knew that he was going to kiss me – don't ask me how, it's not like I've been kissed that many times – but his expression didn't seem right. He seemed off somehow. I can't describe it. Maybe it was all in my imagination.

"Bells?" He said.

"Yeah?"

"It's always been set up for this, you know? Expected. Fate. Just right."

Then he kissed me. It wasn't the greatest kiss of my life. It wasn't even a sort of kiss that you'd expect it would be. You'd think it would be great. After all, this was Jake, who apparently had feelings for me. But instead, it was just sloppy and slightly uncomfortable for me, since I was sitting in a weird position. I suppose I shouldn't have been thinking of how uncomfortable I was sitting on the ground. I should have been absorbed, shouldn't I? I should have only been able to feel his arms closing around me, to revel in the taste of his mouth (slightly spicy, what was he eating before this?). I should have only been able to think about how this hot man wanted me, how he was so sweet to me. But it didn't feel like I'd always imagined it should.

Well, I was absorbed enough, I guess, because I didn't hear the sound of a truck pulling up to the house. I did hear the doors slam as they got out, but I didn't break away from Jake soon enough to prevent Charlie and Billy from seeing us. Billy was all smiles, so happy that this plan he'd had was finally panning out. Charlie, on the other hand, was looking like he could just kill something. Sure, he was smiling on the outside, but I knew him well enough to understand what he was really thinking.

"Hey there, kids!" Billy called as Charlie helped him into his wheelchair. "What'cha doing?"

"Ha-ha, Dad." Jacob responded, giving me a hand to stand up. He looked slightly abash, but also very happy. My sun again, with his huge smile. He kept our hands intertwined as we walked over to them. "How was the fishing?"

"Pretty decent." Charlie responded, playing the part of happy-go-lucky father to the tee. "I've got to head back though, get that fish in the freezer." He said, backing away from the house.

"That's convenient that you're here, Bella." Billy said. "Now you can take Charlie back and he doesn't have to swipe our truck."

I smiled, trying to downplay my inner turmoil. "I know! How perfect!"

Charlie waved to them, heading over to get in the passenger seat of my truck. "I'll see you later, Jake." I said.

"You better believe it." He responded with a dangerous smirk. I shivered, this time in a good way.

The ride home was strange. Sort of. I don't know. Charlie didn't say anything, which wasn't totally unusual. But it was the _way_ he didn't say anything. He sort of exuded this aura of pissed-off-ness. It was scary for me, because I knew it so well. It meant that something was coming. Maybe he'd only scold me for kissing Jake outside like that. Maybe he'd tell me how he didn't approve – like a normal father who might have concerns. That wasn't totally out of his character, because deep down I knew that he sort of cared about me. But he was also kind of an angry person. I didn't know if it was all those years as a cop or what, but he tended to freak out sometimes. And I didn't want this to be one of them. I wanted to go up to my room and think about Jake. About kissing Jake. About how even if it wasn't perfect, I knew that it could get there. Once we were used to each other, we'd get better. After all, I probably wasn't the best kisser (seeing as I'd only been kissed a few times in my whole life).

"Bella." Charlie said, gruffly. "You know why I'm mad at you?"

I parked the truck in front of our house, taking my time to answer the question. I didn't want to screw things up even further by giving the wrong answer.

"Inside. Now." Charlie growled. What I hadn't realized that no answer was even worse than a wrong answer.

"I didn't mean I don't think I did anything wrong, Dad, please, I…" I pleaded as we went inside. Groveling wasn't something I enjoyed, but it was something that I did when I had to. When you've been beaten unconscious you learn that you'd be willing to do anything to avoid that happening again. Basically.

"So?" Charlie prompted.

"Well, I shouldn't have been…kissing Jacob outside like that? I should probably have talk to you first? To see if seeing Jacob was okay? Because you'd know better than me?"

"That sounds a little unsure, Bella." Charlie said sternly.

I sighed in relief, telling him the same thing over and over. He was right, he was smarter, blah blah blah. He was in a good-ish mood today. I knew the danger was over. I wouldn't have to worry too much. All I'd have to do is sneak away to my room in a while and he'd most likely leave me alone.

Later, in my room, I was feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry about stupid Charlie being the way he is to me. But really, this was no big deal. He's really not that bad, is he? After all, he's just concerned about me. I should be thankful that he's so invested in my life.

Right?

EPOV:

"Damnit!" I swore, pushing away from the computer hard. Bella was starting to believe that he asshole father was actually not that bad; she was starting to think that he's normal. "Fuck!"

She couldn't think that! I needed her to realize what a dick he is. Why she should just get the fuck out of that house. How hard would that be, really? Her friend, Alice, would probably help her. She needed to get Charlie and his poison out. She could find a way to manage. Emmett and I did. Jasper did. Rosalie did.

And that damn Jacob. Stupid fucker. He didn't have any right to touch her. She wasn't just someone to settle for, like I figured he was. Bella was too naïve about it. She's thinking that this ass cares about her? Dudes probably home for the summer, horny, and figures that his damn family expects him to get together with her anyway. He figures that she's there, desperate, needy, and he's going to end up with her anyway.

"Fucking hell." I whispered, closing my eyes. I wanted to tell Bella how she was better than this shit. That they were dragging her down, trapping her in some fucking crazy existence where she'd never be happy. Where she'd never be loved and safe. Some of us were doomed to live shit lives. Like me. But her? She could get out. Be happy. That's why I'd hacked into the bank. Why I'd gotten her a loan from them. I knew that it wouldn't be enough, but I figured I'd get her more later. Then I could take some for myself and Emmett. I'd never really tried to make someone else happy before, and I was starting to think that it was harder than it looked.

Maybe this is why I never had any friends. Why I'd reserved myself for my computer, drugs, and fools who never gave a fuck if they saw me or not. It was just too hard to keep someone else happy. But I'd be damned if I didn't try. After all, I was probably the only person who was trying to do anything for her. That was scary. For her, that is. I'm not exactly the best sort of 'friend' for her. After all, I was trying to steal her money.

"Bro!" Emmett called, coming in. Jasper followed after him. "We've got the good stuff!"

I smiled in a grim sort of way as I proceeded to fall into a deep, drug induced bliss.


	8. Chapter 7

_Author's Note_: So if you haven't read them, you should read the Blood Coven books by Mari Mancusi. I just finished the latest one today, and I have to say they're entertaining. I was even able to pick up some hacking tips for this story :) Also, I'd like to let you know that this chapter is sort of intense. I couldn't help it, and I hope you enjoy. Make sure you guys review, also! I'd love to know what you guys like, and what you'd like to see more of! If you like the EPOVs let me know (because I may be able to include more of that). Enjoy!

_Playlist: The Unwinding Cable Car by Anberlin_

**Chapter Seven: Bliss in the Oblivion **

EPOV:

I couldn't remember where I was. Or even what day it was. Which was probably bad. And why the hell was it so dark? What the fuck?

Oh. Eyes. I needed to open my eyes. It took me a moment, but I was finally blinking up at a dingy ceiling. Glancing around at the room I was in, I realized that I was in Jasper and Rosalie's apartment, laying on the floor in their kitchen. Yes, the kitchen. Why the fuck was I in the kitchen?

I sat up, groaning as my head pounded furiously. Clearly, I'd been up to some shit last night. Unfortunately, I must have overdone it, since I remembered nothing. This sort of thing had been happening more and more frequently to me, as I'd found the bliss in the oblivion. Blacking out, getting so high, whatever. It made me feel good – made me feel like I wasn't actually me. Like I hadn't left the only people who'd shown me love and goodness in a bloody heap on the floor.

I closed my eyes. Esme. She'd be so disappointed in me. Disappointed, not mad. She'd never yell, or threaten me. She'd probably just look at me with those sad eyes, begging me to understand what I was doing to myself. What I was doing to everyone around me. But I couldn't. I never could. I am the way I am – destructive, hauling everyone around me into the darkest pits of hell. I was an evil monster. Plain and simple.

"Finally awake, Edward?" Jasper asked, coming into the kitchen to pour himself some coffee.

"Unfortunately." I answered, standing to get a cup for myself. Coffee. Blessed caffeine. Another addition of mine.

"Yeah, you feel like hell, hey?" He noted, looking at me with keen eyes. "I've got to hand it to you man – I've never seen one person do that much shit at once without ending up at a hospital. Or a morgue."

I didn't meet his eyes, looking instead at my coffee. "Well, you were there. Don't get all saintly on me."

"But I didn't do half as much as you – Emmett either. You just got crazy, man." He paused. "That's why you woke up here, Edward. I had to take you back – didn't know if you'd make it. And Emmett sure as hell wouldn't have the sense to make sure you stayed alive."

I didn't know what to say. I wasn't keen on the idea that my damn dealer had taken me to his apartment to make sure I hadn't died.

As if he could read my mind, Jasper looked keenly at me, stepping closer and getting right in my face. "And it's not because I'm your damn dealer, and don't want any attention brought on me. Damn it, Edward, I'm your fucking friend!" He shoved me, watching me stumble backwards. "I don't want to see this shit keep happening to you! You're better than all of it! Better than fucking _hacking_ to make some money!"

"I don't have a damn other thing going for me, Jasper!" I spat at him, beyond irritated.

"The hell you don't!" He shouted back. "You've got everything! Music, for shit's sake! You could be at Julliard just like that! Or science! Or anything! Jesus, you're one of the smartest mother-fuckers that I've ever met!"

"Fuck you, Jasper! You don't know a damn thing!" I shouted, throwing my coffee cup against the wall, shattering it and splattering coffee all over the floor and wall.

It was silent then. Until Rosalie entered, glaring at me. I didn't mind disturbing Jasper's twin bitch sister. I fucking hated her.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" She said, her voice like ice. "Jasper did a good thing, keeping your stupid ass alive. So don't start with him. For some reason, he cares."

"Bitch." I muttered, too tired to care.

"Oh, that's nice. I may be a bitch, Edward, but at least I'm not a looser. At least I have a _real_ job."

"Oh sure. You're a _model_." I sneered. "If you're so good, then why the fuck are you still with my fucked up brother?"

"He's not like you!" She yelled at me. "He's trying to be better!"

"Emmett will never be better." I said quietly. "He's always been this way, and always will be."

"Fucking not true." She said. "He's gotten a job, did you know that? A _paying_, _legal_ job!"

What? Emmett had a job?

"Yes. But did he tell you? No! Because you're a looser, train-wreck!"

That was enough for me. Instead of hitting her, like I wanted. I left, slamming the door hard behind me.

I leaned against the cool wall in the elevator as I decended back down to the street level. Pissed is a mild word to describe how I felt. I'd been so damn close to throwing that bitch Rosalie into a wall, it wasn't even funny, despite the fact that I'd never raised a hand to a woman in my life. Despite all my numerous flaws, I'd kept that one thing intact. Today, I wished that I felt differently, because that was one woman that definitely deserved to be hit.

Fucking Rosalie. Who did she think she was? There was no way in hell that Emmett would have gotten a job. Much less, a _legal_ job. No way. She went off on me, making me out like the bad guy. Who was she kidding? Emmett was the one who got me into all this crap in the first place!

I took the subway home, stewing in my miserable, angry thoughts. I felt ready to kill something. Or someone. If only I could get my hands on Bella's dad right now. How I'd love to wring the life from that fucker. He deserved it, and Bella would be totally better off without him. Better off without him…

That gave me a thought.

Bella's Diary, later that day:

Well, this is just a steaming pile of shit. Basically. Do you want to know where I just spent the last half hour? At jail. Bailing my boyfriend out of jail. Seriously.

Here's where it all started:

I was up early, getting ready to go to work at Newton's. When my phone rang, I was thrilled to see Jake's name flashing on the screen.

"Hello?" I answered, slightly breathless.

"Morning, beautiful." He responded, happy and lazy sounding. I could just picture him – laying sprawled across his bed, his hair a mess from sleep, a lazy grin spreading across his face.

"Hey, Jake." I said, unsure of what else to say. Seriously, this was not a time for my socially awkward behavior to spring back in full force.

"Working today?" He asked.

"You know it. Another lovely day at Newton's Shit-Fest Store."

He laughed at that, clearly enjoying my new nickname for the store.

"What time do you get off?"

"At 9 tonight." I responded. "I have to work from open to close today."

"Wow, I can just hear how excited you are for that!" He teased playfully. "So do you get a lunch break or anything?"

"Sure do." I told him. "Noon to 1."

"Sweet! So I'll head over there then, and we'll grab something to eat!" He cheered. Not waiting for my response, he hung up.

Needless to say, I was a bit stunned by the abrupt end to our conversation. He didn't even ask if I'd like to have lunch with him. Was that normal? Part of me thought that he was being awfully presumptious. But the other part told me to just ignore it, and go along with the relationship. After all, it wasn't like I'd ever even _been _in a relationship before this. So this was probably just normal behavior. Really. I told myself to enjoy this. Finally something good in my life.

So I went to work, happy and peaceful. I didn't even mind that I was working alone with Mike today. Nothing was going to get me down. I was startled at my reflection in the glass of the store's door as I went in – I looked totally different. Smiling, pretty even. _What love can do to us_, I thought.

"Well, well. Hells Bells." Mike called, coming out of the back room.

I tried not to make a face at him, and succeeded for the most part.

"Hey Mike. How's everything?" Why did I even bother to ask? It's not like I could even care less.

As he praddled on about his stupid, boring life, I bustled around, getting things ready for the day. It was going to be a beautiful weekend, and I figured that meant we'd have a lot of business with campers coming through.

"Bella?" Mike asked, looking at me expectantly.

As I flipped our closed sign to open and unlocked the door, I realized that I probably shouldn't be tuning Mike out so soundly. Whoops.

"Hm?" I asked, heading back to my station at the register.

"Did you want to go this weekend to First Beach with me?"

Oh Jesus. Not this again. I really didn't want to have to keep going through this with him. When was he even going to realize that I just didn't want him like that? Would he ever just give up?

"I already have plans, Mike." I lied. "Sorry." Truthfully, I thought that I probably would have plans – with Jake. After all, he was…well, my boyfriend? I didn't know. We'd have to clarify things.

"You should get out of them, Hells Bells." Mike practically purred at me. "You wouldn't want to miss this."

Gah. I practically gagged at the thought. "Seriously, Mike. I don't want to go with you."

Before he could make me even more grossed out, I pointed out the customers that had just come in. "You should try and get them to buy something." I added, glad that he'd finally leave me alone for a while.

After he left then, I didn't really have to deal with any more than his bull, save for the sex daggers he was throwing me with his eyes. That left me able to concentrate of ringing up the purchases of our customers – which were many in number, just as I knew they would be.

This left me in a peaceful mood – which was shattered just as noon was approaching.


	9. Chapter 8

_Author's Note: So I realize that I've been updating like a madwoman. My excuse? I'm currently on break from school and have no job. Since this much free time is rarely ever on my hands, I've been working on this story as much as I can handle. I hope that you all are enjoying it as much as I am, and I'd really love to hear more from you guys! PLEASE REVIEW! I'd love to know what you all think! Good or bad!_

_Playlist: Get Back by Ludacris_

**Chapter Eight: Unwarranted Touching**

Bella's Diary, continued:

I was just stacking invoices in a pile for Mr. Newton when I heard Mike slide up to me. Standing uncomfortably close, he spoke in a low voice, "Looks like it's just me and you."

Ew. Double ew. Seriously. How was this kid so dense? Folding my arms across my chest and backing away towards the wall, I said nothing. I didn't know what to do as he kept getting closer and closer to me. It was really starting to freak me out.

"Bella…" He breathed, finally backing me into the wall and stroking the side of my face.

That was it. "Back the fuck off!" I said, slapping his hand away.

"Whoa, now, Bella." He said raising his hands in surrender. "Don't get all rabid on me."

"As long as you stay the hell away from me!" I said, moving back to stand at my position at the register once he moved away a few paces.

Everything was silent for a few moments, until he suddenly was directly behind me, pressing himself into my backside, his arms going around me, grabbing my chest.

Of course, this was the moment that the bell on the door signaled that someone was coming in. Over my furious yelling, I heard Jacob shout something incoherent. And then I felt Mike being ripped away from me and flung across the counter, across the room and into the store. Until now, I hadn't realized that Jacob's buffness wasn't just for show – he was incredibly strong. Unfortunately for Mike, Jacob followed him as he tried to run, grabbing him by the neck, and slamming him into the floor, head first. Ouch. Jacob proceeded to pound his fist into Mike's face, yelling incoherent obscenities the entire time.

For several long moments I just stood at the register, stunned into silence. It was like I couldn't get my brain to work or something. Then I finally realized that Mike was no longer even attempting to put up a fight, and his eyes were closed. Unconscious, I assumed. Hopefully he wasn't dead.

"Jake, enough!" I yelled, gripping the counter in both hands, unwilling to get any closer to the fight for fear of getting caught in the crossfire. "Please!"

But Jacob didn't respond. At all. It was like he didn't even hear me. Grabbing the phone, I knew that I had to do it. I called 911, pleading for an officer to be sent as quickly as possible. I just prayed to God that it wasn't Charlie that got called to the scene. I wasn't sure what he'd do. Blame me probably. Of course, that was probably justified. This would never have happened if not for me. Technically.

"Jake, the police are coming!" I screamed, hoping that he'd get a grip and stop acting like this. If the cops got here with him still beating the unconscious Mike, he'd be arrested for sure. Even if it were Charlie.

Jacob didn't look up once from his fists pounding into Mike's bloody flesh, not even as the impact started sounding more and more…spongy. I was starting to think that if the cops didn't get here soon, I'd throw up. I was never good with the sight of blood…

And then the police came. Mark and Brian, two of Charlie's deputies. And the ambulance, which hauled Mike away in a hurry.

Everything after that is a blur of police asking questions for their report, Jacob being taken away in handcuffs, and me closing the store, heading into my truck. For a few moments, sitting in my truck, I just sat there. Totally silent, not driving off. When I broke down, it was bad. I buried my face in my hands, and rested my head against the steering wheel, letting the tears have me. Ugh. Double ugh. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't things have just gone well today? Why was everything that I came near instantly destroyed? Why was I like this? A better question was, what would the world be like if I wasn't in it?

…

This entry is very painful. I don't like to think about what happened. I don't want to write it down. I want to erase my mind. Go blank. Because, believe it or not, things only got worse from here.

…

EPOV:

Things weren't just fucked up for me, apparently. Bella was in trouble. Deep shit trouble, from what I could tell. After I'd stormed into my apartment after a day just spent riding the fucking subway (sleeping off my hangover), I'd discovered that Emmett wasn't even here. I was beyond frustrated, beyond pissed off. I _needed_ to talk to that mother-fucker. But he wasn't even _here_!

So I did the only thing I knew that could get my mind off myself, my fucking life, the anger that burned inside me like a steaming pot of hatred. I turned on my computer, and accessed Bella's. I paused for a minute, looking at my screen that displayed exactly what hers looked like. I noticed that she'd put on a new desktop wallpaper – blue with swirling white clouds this time. I liked it. It was happier, more full of life. Unfortunately, it did remind me of her encounter with Jacob, when that fucker thought he was fucking good enough to kiss her. That was _not_ something I liked to think about. I reasoned that I must just be protective of her, like she was my sister or something. I couldn't be _jealous_. That would be ridiculous. I'd never even met this girl.

Clicking into her diary, I felt a brief pang of guilt. This was clearly not the sort of document that she wanted people reading. I could only imagine if someone could know this much about me…

Then I read her most recent entry. Or what there was of it, I guessed. I couldn't process what I'd read initially. Her semi-boyfriend beat her coworker nearly to death in front of her eyes? Seriously? Why did these fucked up people have to keep worming their way into her life? Take me, for example. I was trying to steal any bit of money she had. Ruin her financial future. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve her stupid father, and she certainly didn't deserve this fucker, Jacob. I knew he was bad news from the beginning. Now it was all coming out, just a fucking _day_ after he kissed her. Fucker was crazy. And if he was capable of beating Mike to a pulp, what about Bella? Would he hurt her? My guess was that it was distinctly possible.

But the most disconcerting thing was her reaction. Her sincere belief that this was all somehow _her_ fault. I wished to no end that she hadn't just stopped typing then. She said it got worse. But what the fuck HAPPENED?

God, this girl was going to drive me completely insane. I had to know if she was okay. From what I was reading, things didn't look so good for her. So I did what I could, looking through her computer. No recent Skype activity, no emails, nothing. Finally I decided to try checking her bank account. I didn't think that would tell me anything about her right now, but I could at least make sure she get the loan money deposited in her account.

Then I saw it. One withdrawal today, 4:30 pm. The amount? $10,000.

Now I was pissed. Did Bella bail that fucker out of jail? Was that what this was? Thinking about it, it mostly likely was. After all, he probably had a hearing (since they were in Forks, for fucks sake…the judge was probably waiting for something to happen) and the judge must have set the damn bail.

"FUCK!" I yelled, storming away from the computer. This was Bella's fucking COLLEGE money. Money that I had painstakingly gotten for her. Money she _needed_. Now she was wasting it by bailing that motherfucker out of jail? She spent ten-thousand _fucking_ dollars!

I grabbed my stock of heroin, needing a fix now more than ever. After everything that had happened with Jasper and Emmett…and now Bella. I needed this so bad. My hands shook as I sank into the oblivion that I desperately craved, as I sank into a world that made sense. A happy world, where nothing would ever be a real problem. A new word. A new life. Nothing. No world. No life. Druggy peace. My life. No life…hazy.


	10. Chapter 9

_Author's Note: This chapter took me a while to write, due to the sensitive nature of the events that occur. I apologize for not getting this up sooner, but I hope that you enjoy. I'd like to also remind everyone that plagiarism is a crime – so please don't steal my work. If anyone finds someone who has, please let me know. On another note, Alli in the Meadow has published a new story, which all of you will LOVE. It's called "Strawberry Fields Forever". Seriously, I mean it when I say you'll love it. I've been her beta, and I'm completely in love with it :) So do take a chance to read it (and review…maybe mentioning that I sent you, lol). Anyway, enjoy this chapter and REVIEW! REVIEW! I'll be awarding one lucky reviewer of this chapter with a sneak peek into the future of this story!_

_Playlist: None for this chapter (if you have any suggestions, please let me know in a review)_

**Chapter Nine: Set It On Fire, For All I Care**

Bella's Diary:

It's been several days. I know that. But I just couldn't bring myself to write anything. I knew that I had to finish telling what happened _that_ day. But I just couldn't face it. I just couldn't relive it. Nauseous feelings came creeping up every time I even _thought_ about doing this.

But here I am. And I just have to get this over with. So I can properly record my life. Because I have to. Because no matter how sick I am to relive it, it's too much for me to bottle up inside. It makes me feel like I'm going to explode – combust under the pressure of it all.

So this is the rest of the story:

After I finished crying in my truck, I felt marginally better (although I also felt like a cry-baby dumbass). Crying always does that to make – makes me feel at peace, almost. Like it's cleansing a wound or something. And it made me realize that not everything was a bad as it seemed. Really, I just had to think about it. First, I didn't care about Mike. I'd never liked him, and couldn't care less if he ended up dead. I know that sounds harsh, but it's totally true. I wish more people would just open up and say it: we care very little about most other people. It wouldn't affect my life in any way if Mike just died. And that's just that. Then there's Jacob. It's not like he's my boyfriend or anything. Well, maybe, but this whole thing is so new. He's a guy that I knew as a kid, like to hang out with, and kissed. So no big deal. He doesn't have to be the savior that I sometimes wish for. And then, there's nothing else. Everything was fine. That's what I told myself as I drove home.

But of course I was a damn fool. I always am. I never fully give up hope that things won't get worse. I should, because nothing is ever going to get any better. Not for me.

Charlie was waiting for me. It was only 4:00, still early. Too early for him to be home. The yelling started the moment I shut the door of the truck.

"What the _HELL_ did you do to Jacob?" He thundered at me. "Why the FUCK is Jacob being charged with assault against _your_ coworker? Answer me that, Bella!"

I approached him slowly, carefully. "Well, Charlie, that's sort of complicated…"

"The fuck with complicated!" He screamed, grabbing a wad of my hair and hurling me into the house. "I want answers!"

"Charlie, please, Charlie!" I screamed, agony coursing through me at the intense pain in my head. If you've ever been dragged anywhere by your hair, you'll know what I mean. It hurts like holy hell. 

"I tell you what, _Bella_," Charlie sneered. "You'll right this yourself by posting his bail. To start."

"Of course!" I responded meekly, tensed and waiting for Charlie to bat me around.

"Go to the bank. You're going to need a cashier's check for 10,000. Just to be sure." Charlie growled. "If the bail isn't that much, then I'll take the rest."

He threw me face-first into the stairs then, effectively knocking me unconscious for a few minutes.

…

I woke up to find Charlie gone. Glancing at my battered watch, I saw that I'd only been out for a little while – he must have left right after our little scene. Thankfully. I didn't think I could face anything more from him. Not at that moment.

I stood up swiftly, going out to my truck robotically. I didn't bother checking how I looked first – it didn't matter. I just had to go and get the check. Right now. I knew that I had the money, thank God. Unfortunately, it was for school – my new loans had come through brilliantly and I had finally gotten enough money to pay for school. Apparently I was now back at ground zero.

I had the check made to Charlie – I figured that was the way he wanted it. I'd give it to him, and let him bail Jacob out. I drove over to the police station, wordlessly giving Charlie the check. He didn't say anything at first, and I figured that if he wasn't at work right now he'd have hit me. Again.

"They're not letting Jacob out yet." Charlie said. "The Newton boy is in pretty serious condition, and they want to make sure he doesn't die. If he does, Jacob's got a lot more of a problem."

I said nothing, just looked at Charlie. I didn't know that things were that serious for Mike. I didn't realize that he could die. I didn't realize that Jacob could be in jail for a hell of a long time.

"It's your damn fault, you bitch." Charlie whispered, looking at me scathingly.

I turned at those words, unable to respond without either crying or slapping him. Neither was a good option.

Once I got home, things were worse. I don't want to write about it. I don't know how to write about it. I don't really know why I did it.

…

I went up to the bathroom, looking in the mirror at myself. I was worthless. I'd gotten Mike practically killed, and Jacob's life would never be the same. Not now. Charlie was right, and it was about time that I grew up and realized it. Everything _was_ my fault. I was the reason for this. Charlie was probably right to do what he did to me.

And now I was lost for college money. I'd given practically every last cent I had to pay for this stupid situation. I knew that my current account balance - $10 – would not ever be enough. I couldn't pay for school. Not now. I'd never be able to find another loan in time.

Waves of depression crashed over me, and I felt as if I would drown in them. And endless sea of misery stretched before me, threatening to swallow me whole and never let me see the light again. So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I opened the medicine cabinet, and grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills we kept there. Holding the bottle in my hand, I knew that I could truly end it all. I could stop all of this shit right now. I could be done. I could quit. The thought was so relieving to me, that I didn't think anymore. I swallowed pill after pill, one after the other. I didn't know if I was seeking death, or merely sleep. But I would welcome whichever came to me.

Then I passed out on the bathroom floor.

…

I woke up the next day in the hospital. I didn't know how I got there. I didn't know what was happening. No one was in the room with me. I was alive.

I closed my eyes again, praying that this wasn't real. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to deal with this anymore. I refused to believe that Charlie found me and took me here. He would be much happier with me gone. Jacob would have taken me, but he was in jail. I didn't know what that left me.

Then I saw Alice standing in the doorway of my room, tears in her eyes, coffee in her hands.

EPOV:

How could anyone end an entry there? Fucking hell! I knew that this was clearly upsetting, but her diary made me feel like I was reading an infuriating novel that just stopped and wouldn't start again.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, realizing how close Bella had come to losing her life. I was terribly upset by the idea of a world without her, and I couldn't understand why. Why was this young woman suddenly becoming so important to me?

The computer. Her diary. I was completely obsessed. It was like an addiction. That must be it. I was too involved. I knew that I was lonely, but this was ridiculous. People were stupid, and above all they were foolish. This pathetic girl was proof of that. I'd made a deep mistake in letting myself delve into her life. I needed to now sever all ties with her. End my access to her computer. Never think about her again. Find some rich ass and take all their fucking money and get so fucking wasted I'd wake up three days later.

And that was that. I went about the business of locating another prospective gold mine, making the decision to forget Isabella Swan and the fucked up drama she had brought into my life. Things would be better now. I could go back to what I _was_. What I _am_.


	11. Chapter 10

_Author's Note: Please note that Twilight characters and associated themes belong to Stephenie Meyer, while all original content contained within this story is property of Grace in Chaos. Plagiarism is a crime, and will be treated with due measure. In other words, don't steal what's mine, because it's wrong and also against the law. Anyway, please enjoy this chapter and please REVIEW! I could really use some feedback from you guys (please just a few words?). And as a word of caution, the latter half of the chapter contains some strong language. Just to warn you._

_Playlist: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem featuring Rihanna (seriously, listen to this song while reading…it's perfect. Put it on replay if you're still reading when it's over.)_

**Chapter 10: A Life Worth (Not) Living**

Bella Point of View:

"Bella, what on _earth_ were you _thinking_?" Alice asked, sitting on the edgy of Bella's hospital bed, tears now falling from her eyes. "Why would you try to _kill_ yourself?"

"Alice, look, I'm not s sure that's exactly what I meant to do…" I started, only to trail off. How was I going to explain this to her? How was I going to make her understand? "I just wanted…everything to go away. I wanted to sleep…but not really to die, I don't think."

"You don't _think_?" She asked, incredulous. "What does that even _mean_?"

"Well, Alice, I just wanted to sleep for a while. I didn't really want to be living my life anymore. I wanted it to go away. To change. And I guess that I made a mistake and took too many pills." That sounded lame, even to my own ears. It was too hard to put into words just what I was feeling then. I never _really_ wanted to die. But at the same time I did. "I guess that I just don't care whether I live or die anymore."

"Bella! How can you say that!" Alice cried, gripping my hand fiercely.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you, Alice." I whispered. Pausing for a moment, I added, "But I didn't really think I mattered that much to you. To anyone. All I can see is a life that I never wanted. A life that I don't know what to do with."

"Oh Bella." She sighed. "How can you even contemplate that? I _love_ you! You're my best friend!"

"I haven't heard much from you, and I just thought…" I trailed off.

"Oh, Bella, I know! I'm so sorry! But we didn't have internet for the past few weeks! I tried calling you, but anytime I did, you never answered!"

"You called?" I asked, confused. I'd never gotten any missed calls.

"Yes!" She cried. "It's your _stupid_ phone! You know that it's not reliable!"

"Well, you _are_ right about that…" I realized. My cell was getting old, and sometimes it didn't really work all that well. "But it's not like I can afford anything else…"

"Bella." Alice sighed. "I'm going to get you a new phone when you get out of here. And I'll add the line to my family plan."

"Alice…" I started, but she cut me off.

"Don't worry about the money. My family has a good plan, and it'll cost next to nothing to add you in. My parents won't mind one bit."

I tried to smile, knowing that there was no arguing with Alice.

"Bella, I was trying to call you landline, but every time I called your father said that you weren't there." Alice said quietly. "I figured that he might be lying, because I know that you don't exactly get along…" She paused. "And then, well I just got really worried. I suppose I could have emailed or something, but you know how I feel about that sort of thing. I _needed _to make sure you were okay. And good thing I did! When I found you, you were passed out on your bathroom floor!"

So it had been Alice to find me. Of course. Poor Alice, who really always had been there for me. And I'd just assumed that she didn't care anymore. I'd just given up. How could I do that? What was I becoming? I never wanted to be some pathetic, whiney girl. I wanted to be strong. I'd always been tough – even in the worst of times. Even when Charlie was still with Renee, and he'd knock her down, night after night and I couldn't do anything. I'd taken Charlie's crap after he had no one else to take it out on, and promised myself that I'd get away from it all someday. Now here I was, weak and defeated. Ready to simply die, letting _him_ win. Letting everything beat me. Letting myself be the biggest loser there ever could be.

"I'm so sorry, Alice. I never meant for anything like this to happen!" I pulled Alice into a teary hug then, so grateful that I still had her in my life. So grateful that I had someone to remind me that there still was something worth living for. That my life wasn't always bad. That I could do anything.

"We're going to get you back on track, Bella, I promise!"

"Well, if that's true, then there're some things you should probably know. You remember my old friend, Jacob…"

EPOV:

As I sat sprawled out on the dirty living room floor, I sighed in contentment. This was the life I was meant to live. Get up at noon, steal money online and use it to by enough drugs to numb my mind from everything unpleasant, find a bitch and fuck her brains out. Then do enough drugs to fall into an oblivion. Repeat.

"Pass me another beer, bro." Emmett said, eyes remaining fixed on the TV screen.

I tossed him one, barely glancing away from the same screen. We were avid TV watchers sometimes, especially when Rose was busy and I couldn't find anyone I wanted. What else was there?

"So, what's what with Bella?" Emmett asked me casually when the commercials started. "She doing alright?"

I was startled by his casual reference to her, using her name like he _knew_ her. Like she was part of his circle.

"Dunno." Was all I said, a hint of irritation in my voice. He had no right to act like she was a part of our life here. She was definitely better than all this. She _deserved_ better.

"What do you mean, 'dunno'?" Emmett asked, looking at me with a confused expression. Of course, that was the way that he _usually_ was looking at me. Dumb fuck.

"I gave up on that. Bitch doesn't have anything." It was easy to lie. It slipped from my mouth like I actually _believed_ that. Like I would actually use a name like that when referring to my Bella.

Emmett was silent for a few moments before responding. "But what about her loans? I thought we were going to give her a fuck-load so she could go to school and we'd get rich."

I sighed, exasperated. I didn't want to have this conversation. Too much of my time lately had been polluted with thoughts of _Bella_. She was better than me, that I'd come to realize. But she had some serious shit going on, shit that was starting to make me forget myself. Shit that made me what to go to her, wrap my arms around her and hold her close.

And that was shit _Edward_ fucked-up-loser _Cullen_ NEVER did. Never. I wasn't like that. I wasn't _good_.

"She's just not worth it, okay man?" I growled, pissed off to an irrational degree. I stood up, taking a last swig of my beer, heading to the door.

"Where the hell are you going?" Emmett hollered.

"None of your damn business."

"Damn it, Edward! Out fucking _where_?"

"Why the fuck do you even care you asshole?" I yelled at him, losing my temper bit by bit.

"Because it's 11-fucking-o'clock at night! You can't just go out and drown in drugs all night!" He shouted back at me, still sitting on the floor in front of the TV, turned to face me.

"I can do whatever the fuck I want, Emmett!" I practically screamed. "It's not like I have anyone to answer to! There's no one I need to make fucking _proud _of me!"

He looked at me with what I can only describe as a sad expression. I couldn't handle it. He had no fucking right to look at me like that. No fucking right. I had to get out. I didn't care what his fucking problem was now. I just had to get _out_.

"Edward, I know that you haven't been able to handle the whole Carlisle and Esme thing…"

"Carlisle and Esme _THING_!" I shouted, not daring to move. "It wasn't a damn _THING_! We almost fucking killed them, Emmett!"

"Carlisle doesn't blame us. He understands…"

I slammed the door, leaving Emmett shouting at no one. That asshole had no _idea_ what the fuck he was talking about. After everything he'd fucking gotten us into, he had no _right_ to talk like that about it. Like it wasn't his fault. Like it wasn't _our_ fault. Like it wasn't my damn fault.

_Author's Note: Please review! Thank you for reading!_


	12. Chapter 11

_Author's Note: I'd like to thank all of my wonderful readers and reviewers (from 30 countries)! It means a lot to me that you all are taking an interest in this. I'd especially like to thank those of you who have left reviews – Alli in the Meadow, no.1twilightluver, MyBabyBlues, and SleepMyBella especially (for leaving multiple reviews). I truly appreciate all the interest, and would love to hear for more of you guys! As for this chapter, this is the first all-Edward chapter. It took a while to write, and I know that you guys may want more Edward/Bella interaction, but this chapter sets up a lot for some things that Edward has to do and get through. We'll see a lot more Bella next chapter :) REVIEW and enjoy!_

_Playlist: Numb by Linkin Park_

**Chapter 11: What I've Become Is Not What I've Meant To Be**

EPOV:

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

I pounded furiously on Jasper's door – adamant at getting what I needed. Finally the door was wrenched open, Jasper standing in front of me in pajama bottoms, his hair wild, eyes blinking.

"What the fuck do you want?" He grumbled, leaning heavily on the doorframe.

"Looks like I got here a little late." I smirked, noting his befuddled state. Clearly he'd gotten into his stash tonight.

"Fuck, man." Jasper spat at me. "I'm not on _anything_. I've been up for God-damn _hours_ trying to get rid of all my shit. And here _you_ are, interrupting me as soon as I go to fucking bed."

I didn't say anything, just looked at him blankly. Sure.

"Edward, man. You're going to have to go somewhere else. I'm out of it."

I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. Jasper was a _dealer_. Jasper was my best fucking dealer. What was he getting at? I knew that he had to have plenty of shit – I wasn't going to be particularly picky tonight either. I just needed a fix. I needed to forget all this shit.

"Fuck, Jasper, stop pissing around." I said, hitting him on the shoulder. Clearly this was some weird joke. Dude never did have a very good sense of humor. "I need whatever you got. The best of whatever, man."

I held out a wad of bills, knowing that he'd give me my money's worth. He was an honest motherfucker, which was the reason why he was my best fucking dealer.

"Edward." Jasper said slowly, looking at me cautiously. "I'm seriously out. I don't want to do this shit anymore. It's no good –and certainly isn't taking me anywhere I really want to go." He paused. "There's just death and jail down that road man. You know that."

"What the _fuck_ is wrong with you!" I growled, pissed off and ready to kick his ass if need be, as I realized the gravity of the situation. "What the FUCK is wrong with YOU!"

"Edward, Jesus. Don't have a fit in the hallway for Christ's sake." He opened his door wide, ushering me in. Little bitch thought he could calm _me_ down?

Bursting into the room, I started tearing through whatever I could find, desperately looking for _anything_ that could get me high. _Anything_. I'd pay him for it, I knew I would – but I just _needed_ something _now_. I tossed his possessions aside with careless ease, undisturbed by anything breaking, undisturbed by Jasper's attempts to stop my violent torrent through his apartment. He wasn't as strong as me – he couldn't even hope to be. There was no way I'd be stopped before I found what I was looking for.

But as kept looking and continued to find nothing, I started to realize that he might be telling the truth after all. Dude might not have anything. Why the _fuck_ didn't he have anything? What was I supposed to _fucking do_?

"Damnit, Jaz! What the hell's going on?"

"Fucking Christ." Was all he said, collapsing down onto his beaten-up sofa and dropping his head into his hands.

Irrationally, this gesture made me even angrier than I had been; suddenly I was furious. I leapt at him, knocking him backwards and successfully getting a few blows in. Jasper was not an easy person to fight with – he was cunning, skilled, and incredibly experienced. I don't know what shit he was into down in Texas, but clearly he'd lived a hard life before coming to New York.

"Damnit, Edward, calm the fuck down!" He yelled at me, pinning me on the floor of his apartment harshly. "Can't you fucking _listen_ for a minute? Are you that far gone?"

That last bit got to me, broke through my shell. Was I 'that far gone'? How had I gotten here, to this apartment, trying to beat the drugs out of some guy who clearly didn't want anything to do with the whole damn business anymore? What was I doing with my life? What had I sacrificed to live like this? What could I have been?

"Listen, Edward. I know that you probably don't want to hear this – but you need to understand, alright? This way you're living? It's going to kill you. Maybe not today, but it will. Do you understand? It will _fucking kill you_!"

"And maybe that's exactly what I want." I responded, my voice deadened as he let me up and we both collapsed onto the sofa.

"Damnit, Edward!" Jasper exclaimed, quiet but furious. "You've got to get your head out of your ass! I know that you think punishing yourself like this is what you deserve, but what you really need is to grow the hell up! Forgive yourself! Don't you understand that what happened with your parents _wasn't your fault_? It wasn't even your idea! You were just this angry little shit who didn't know how to handle all those crazy things happening to him! You made a fucking mistake! Everyone does! But you need to be a fucking man and stand up, and take responsibility for yourself!"

"That's what I've been fucking doing!" I responded, sick and tired of everyone always getting in my face like this. Why couldn't I just live in my own way? "What business is it of yours, anyway? What do you know?"

"What do I know?" Jasper responded, quirking his eyebrow at me. "What do I know? I know what it's like to watch people die from drugs, that's what I know. I know what it's like to be a little kid, growing up watching mommy and fucking daddy doing every kind of drug imaginable, beating and fucking each other all the time all over our shit-hole apartment. I know what it's like to have to take care of my sister, because no one else fucking would! I know what it's like to watch people that I love destroy themselves and their entire lives, just to get high. I know what it's like to bury those people. I know what it's like to cry over their graves. I know what it's like to turn to selling the shit that killed my whole family. I know what it's like to try to get revenge. And guess what? I now know what it's like to move on. I know what it's like to GROW UP. And I really wish that you would too. You're better than all this."

Well, you certainly can't say much to a speech like that, can you? Part of me wanted to just stand up and leave this shit, getting what I desperately wanted from someone else, letting myself slip away into the beautiful oblivion. But some part of me couldn't help but pause at what Jasper had told me. It hit me in a strange way, a deep way. I'd never realized that he'd had a tough life too. I'd never realized that I wasn't the only messed up mother-fucker out there. I'd never realized how selfish I've been.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Jasper." I confessed, hanging my head in my hands. "I don't know if I can fix everything. Fix myself, I guess."

"Maybe you should start where everything really went wrong." He suggested, putting his hand on my shoulder.

"My birth?" I joked, looking up at him.

"Not funny." He said, smiling despite himself. Abruptly he was serious again. "You should go to Carlisle and Esme."

"They don't want to see me." I responded, a sudden tightening in my chest. "Not after what I did to them."

"You think so?" Jasper asked. "Or you know so?"

"What's the difference?"

"I don't know. It could be nothing. It could be everything. It's up to you to find out."

I didn't have any response for that.

"And Edward? Don't forget about Bella. You care about her, you know you do. Don't let that go either."

"So?"

"So it's up to you now. You've got some choices to make."


	13. Chapter 12

_Author's Note: I am so very sorry that this chapter has taken so long to be posted. I have had some trouble with deciding what to include, and thus took longer than I wished to post it. I wasn't planning on another all EPOV chapter, but this seemed to fit well. On a side note, this chapter contains some religious content, and I hope I do not offend anyone who does not share certain beliefs. I am Roman Catholic, and thus is why the church appears in this story. If you do not share this faith, do not worry – the church merely is a step for Edward to grasp in his journey of redemption. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and please review later! The more reviews, the more encouraged I am to update more frequently!_

_Playlist: God's Gonna Cut You Down by Johnny Cash (seriously, listen to this song while reading guys! You won't regret it!)_

**Chapter Twelve: Finding the Road to Redemption**

Redemption. Forgiveness. It was a hard path to have to go – a hard path to have to journey down. But sooner or later, I guess we all end up either facing it…or dying. And depending on what you believe, you probably end up just having to face it then.

So here I was, walking down the dark streets of New York City in the middle of the night, uncertain where to begin. Everything had gotten so messed up; my life wasn't at all what I had thought it would be. Who even _was_ I? Was I really a thief? A heartless jackass who didn't care about anyone besides himself? A worthless, drug-addicted, heartless, son-of-a-bitch? Was I too far gone to find my way out? Was I too far gone to make things _right_ again?

It couldn't be too late – if it was then I might as well curl up and die.

Looking to my left, I saw a tall church, illuminated by the morning sun that was just beginning to rise. I don't know why I paused, or if I ever really felt like a church was somewhere that I belonged. But I couldn't help myself from walking in the Catholic church. After all, wasn't that the best place to start the arduous journey that I had somehow found myself on?

The door were open, for which I was grateful. There was no mass, but I figured that no one would blame me for simply taking space in a pew for a while, trying to find a way to God. If there still was a God for me.

I dipped my hand into the large bowl of holy water just beyond the entrance, remembering doing the same when I was a child, when I used to go to church with my biological parents. And Emmett. I even remember to genuflect before entering a pew, for which I found a sharp pride for myself. Surely I couldn't be so far gone if I still remember _that_.

Pulling the kneeler out, I found myself trying to pray for the first time in as long as I could remember. Why couldn't I remember the last time I'd done this? When had I lost my faith in God? When had I decided that a merciful, all-loving God couldn't possibly exist, not when I was free to walk the Earth? Bending my head, I lost myself in thoughts of my past, or my present, of what I wanted for my future. The future seemed like an incredible concept to me – free and open, full of endless possibilities and some desolate hope. Maybe I could turn my pathetic life around. Maybe I could find a way to an honorable living, a way to a life that I'd always wanted. Maybe I could find my way to a future with Bella.

When I thought of Isabella Swan, I felt such swirling emotions that I haven't been used to. I couldn't sort through them, process them, understand them. I knew that I had some desire to protect her, to make her life _better_, more of what she deserved. How could that be? How could _I_ feel something like that? I couldn't, because I knew deep down that I didn't have a heart. I was empty inside. I'd been that way for so long.

Since Carlisle and Esme, really. Since I'd done the worst that I could to the people that had made me feel like I might actually have a hope for the future. Disgust welled up within me as I thought about my atrocities. I'd never even really appreciated them, or given them any sign that what they'd done for me had meant anything. They deserved it. They deserved to understand, and they deserved to have my apology.

With that realization, I was clear. Focused. I needed to find them, and try to make amends. To make them understand that I've always loved them, and appreciated them. To make them see that what they did was not in vain. To make them see that they hadn't failed with me; I had been broken long before I had come to them. There had been no hope to fix me.

But if there was no hope to fix me, then what I was doing now? How could I even be feeling this if I had no hope?

"My son?" I heard a soft voice ask, gentle footsteps approaching. I looked up to see an aging priest approach me. "I do not mean to disturb you, but if you are hungry, we have a small kitchen downstairs."

He must have seen the confusion in my face, for he clarified. "I could hear you stomach grumbling."

"Oh." I said softly, still kneeling in my pew. I hadn't realized that I was hungry. "I could just go, I have money…" I didn't want him to think that I was homeless, that I _needed_ a handout. "Better people than me deserve your mercy, father."

He looked at me sadly, kindly, as if he could see into the very depths of my soul. "Child, we all deserve mercy. Even you, no matter why you believe you don't. God loves all, and would want to you have this small comfort."

I couldn't respond to that, so I merely gave up and let the priest lead me to the small kitchen they had set up in the church basement. I was directed to sit at one of the large metal tables, watching the priest fill a plate with various breakfast foods for me.

I was completely humbled at this treatment. This man didn't even know me, but here he was offering me any help he could. He'd heard my stomach grumble, knew I was hungry, and had thus offered me food with no questions asked. For all he knew, I could have been a murderer.

"Eat, my son." He said, setting the plate in front of me before heading off to get himself breakfast. We ate in companionable silence, me wrapped in thoughts of what I was going to do. I wasn't even sure how I would _find_ Carlisle and Esme. Did they still live in Chicago? Or maybe they'd moved? Should I just Google them? What if I didn't find them? What if I _never_ found them? Would I then ever be able to find a way out of this hell that I'd been living?

"I don't know what to do." I whispered in anguish, unable to contain my thoughts within the confines of my skull. I felt like if I didn't speak up now, I'd combust or something.

"If you care to explain your problem to me, I'd be more than willing to help you in any way that I can." The priest said, watching me with a compassionate expression.

"Why the hell would you do that?" I asked sharply.

"Language, please." He responded, pausing before continuing to look at me with a steely gaze. "I am a man of God; it is my duty to help whomever I can, whenever I can. God must have sent you to me for a reason, and I am not one to go against God's wishes."

I sighed, not sure what I thought about that speech. I wasn't even sure if I believed in God. But maybe this priest could help me find Carlisle and Esme. It was worth a try.

"I'm trying to find my…parents." I managed, my voice more unsteady than I would have liked it to be. "Carlisle and Esme Cullen. We've been out of touch for…too long. I need to make amends…I need to…make things right with them."

"Carlisle and Esme Cullen?" He asked, sounding surprised. "I know them both, very well."

"You do?" I asked, shocked. "How? When? Do you know where they live?" Could they be in this very city, so close the whole time?

"Esme went to my parish when she was young, and I was the one who married her and Carlise. I'm afraid that we don't keep in touch as well as I certainly would like, but I can tell you that they live in Forks, Washington now. Carlisle's working at their hospital."

Relief flooded through me as I realized that I'd be able to go to them. If I could get the courage, I guessed. "Washington?" I asked. That was so far away. I'd have to get a flight…

_Author's Note: Thus ends another chapter! Please review, and if you're looking for something else to read while waiting for the next update, I suggest visiting Alli in the Meadow's profile on this site. She's got some very cool stuff! Also, try the story 'University of Edward Masen'. You won't regret reading it! And of course, 'Wide Awake' is amazing!_


	14. Chapter 13

_Author's Note: This chapter is a little on the short side, but I wanted to get it up as soon as I could. My next update may take a while, since I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow. I've been putting this off for years, and I guess that it's time to just get it over with. Lol. But please enjoy this chapter and leave a review! I love to hear from you guys!_

_Playlist: None for this chapter. Nothing seemed to fit, so let me know if you have any suggestions :)_

**Chapter Thirteen: Alone**

BPOV:

Rolling over in bed, I stretched peacefully, languidly. I felt good, for the first time in a long time. I knew that had to be due to my small friend, currently lying on an air mattress in the middle of my floor. I thought back to Alice's reaction to my story of what had happened with Jacob.

_Flashback – Hospital_:

"I don't know what…he did…how could…" Alice stammered after I finally finished recounting the story.

"I know, right?" I responded dryly. It left me feeling very exposed, telling Alice everything like that. Part of me still felt like she'd dismiss me as some crazy loon and get up and walk out.

Of course, I had nothing to worry about with Alice. Instead of dismissing me and my crazy life, she just hugged me, whispering "I'm so sorry that all this happened to you! We'll get that money back from Charlie, though. Don't worry Bella."

Of course she would target that in the story. "We'll see about that." I wasn't optimistic. Charlie might play along for Alice and pretend to give it to me, but there's no way he ever would. No, I was on my own.

"Maybe I can look into some more scholarship programs." I said as Alice pulled away.

"Of course! That's totally perfect, Bella!" She was practically jumping up and down with excitement. "I bet we can find you something totally perfect!"

"I love your optimism, Alice." I said, feeling slightly teary.

"Well you better get used to it, girl!"

_End Flashback_

I sighed as I quietly got out of bed. I could hear Charlie downstairs, watching TV, so I figured that I was all set to take a shower, no fear of disturbing him. Thankfully.

The hot water was wonderful, refreshing and soothing me, easing my aching muscles, cleansing away my fears. When I was done, I threw on a pair of grey jeans and a white t-shirt. No work today for me, thanks to everything that happened at Newton's store. We'd closed down for a while, and I wasn't sure if we were going to open again. Or if I would be allowed to ever go back to work. Losing that job was detrimental to me; it was too late into the summer to find work, and I'd just end up wasting time sitting around.

Wandering back to my room, I saw that Alice was apparently already up and out, as her blankets and things were all neatly folded on my floor. As I walked down the stairs to my kitchen, my ears were assaulted with a very unfamiliar sound – Charlie was laughing.

"I'm serious!" Alice exclaimed, barley able to contain her own laughter. Watching them sit at the table together, laughing and having fun, I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Why couldn't my relationship with my father be like that?

I plastered a tentative smile on my face as I walked into the kitchen, uncertain of how I should act around them both. I hadn't really spoken to Charlie since before I was in the hospital, and I didn't know what he'd thought, what his reaction was.

"Morning, Bella!" Alice chirped to me, not glancing in my direction. Charlie said nothing, which I figured was probably not the worst thing to happen.

As soon as I set my bowl of cereal down on the table, noticing the eggs and bacon that Charlie and Alice had apparently had, Charlie got up, muttering something about having to go to work.

As soon as he was out of the door, Alice started, just like I knew she would.

"Bella, your father really isn't as bad as you make him out to be!"

I said nothing, not believing my ears.

"Seriously, Bella, he's really a nice old guy! He was just telling me today how worried he is about you, how he doesn't know what to do with you sometimes. I really think that you're bringing a lot of this on yourself, you know. He told me that Jacob was just acting out of jealousy, that you and Mike Newton were apparently all over each other in the store. I mean, seriously, what else would you _expect_ him to do, Bella?"

"Alice, that's not really how things happened…" I started, only to get cut off.

"Bella, I know what you told me. But Charlie thinks that you're making that up because you're confused, or maybe just a little depressed or something. And honestly, I know that you just expect me to believe you, but he is the chief of police. He's so nice, and I just don't see how he could be lying to me! And for that matter, I really don't believe everything you said about him, either. How could Charlie ever raise a hand to you? Gosh, Bella, I just don't see it."

I said nothing, just looked at her with an expression of utter horror. My brain couldn't wrap itself around what she was telling me. How could she ever think that I was lying to her? How could she not be on my side in this?

"I thought…I guess I thought that you were my friend, Alice." I mumbled, too hurt to really say anything.

"I am, Bella! That's why I'm saying this! Really, I think that you're making a big deal out of everything, but if you just made an effort every now and then your life might actually get a lot better."

"Well, thank you very much, Alice." I said dryly. "But I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I really don't want to deal with this right now. At all."

She sighed, eyeing me with a sad expression. "Fine, Bella. I'll go. But really, try to use the rest of the summer as a chance to make things right with Charlie. Things are bound to get better if you just make an effort!"

And she left. I watched her drive away, unable to block the feeling that my best friend in the world suddenly wasn't what I thought she was. Or rather, she was what I always feared she was. That act she had put on in the hospital had really had me fooled. For a few moments, I really believed that she was going to be there for me, that she understood what was happening, and that she'd help me. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Just like I always was. In the end, I really am alone.

Bella's Diary (later that day):

I am alone. Utterly. Or maybe not really alone. I suppose there's always those assholes out there that want to destroy my life. Lucky fucking me.

Alice is a bitch. At least, right now she is. But she did send me an iPhone. So whatever. It's not like I thought she'd just disappear, not offering me any comfort or help. I knew that she'd come through on everything she'd promised me. But the fact that she's so ready to believe that I'm the root of all my problems. It's not like I've ever _told_ Charlie to hit me. Seriously. He's the one who's wrong. He's the one who took all my money. He's the reason I took those pills and almost died. Him and Jacob, that is.

Maybe everything would have been better if I really had just died. Then I wouldn't have to feel anymore. I wouldn't have to hurt. Wouldn't that be better?

EPOV:

Waiting in the airport to board my flight, I couldn't help but let my thoughts wander to Bella. I wondered how she was doing, if things had finally turned around for her. God knows things couldn't have gotten worse. Part of me longed to pull out my iPhone and just check to see. I didn't need to look at everything, or steal anything. I could just peak in. Couldn't I? Or would that be wrong? Should I just let her be?

The issue of her living in Forks played in my mind, torturing me endlessly. I could 'accidentally' bump into her. Maybe get to know her? But she probably didn't really need another fuck-up in her life. In the back of my mind though, I couldn't help but worry about her. And more than worry, I couldn't help but want to know what was going on in her life. I knew that I was lost and broken beyond repair. And this was the only way I could be in her life…

I accessed her system quickly, noticing that her new background was just plain purple. Dark and flat. That didn't seem to bode well. Only a few clicks later I was accessing her diary file, my stomach sinking at what I saw. Her entries were sparse, not entirely giving me the full picture of what was going on. Clearly, she'd gotten better after the hospital. But I didn't understand why she'd taken the pills. Had it really been a suicide attempt? Could Bella really want to take herself out of the world forever?

I couldn't linger on that thought, distressed by the pain it caused me. A world without Bella in it wasn't really a world at all. I wouldn't accept that. She couldn't have meant it that way. The problem with her friend I also didn't understand. I'd thought that Alice was someone that Bella trusted, that she could count on. Now apparently she was on Charlie's side. My poor Bella. If only she knew that she wasn't really alone. If only she knew that I was here, that I cared about her.

But there was nothing I could do to comfort her. I couldn't try to befriend her. That would be wrong, for she deserved a better man than me. She deserved to have someone in her life that wasn't as selfish as me. I would never be good enough for someone like her. Hell, I was barely good enough to go crawling back to Carlisle and Esme. I barely even deserved that small grace. I'd be well served if they turned me away the moment I showed up. Part of me, apparently the masochistic part, hoped that they would.

With that thought, I rose from my seat and boarded the plane to take me to Washington.


	15. Chapter 14

_Author's Note: A big thanks goes out to all you guys for waiting for this next post. My wisdom teeth surgery was a pain in the butt, but I guess that it's over now, and that's a good thing. Thanks to_ PNHornsby_ for the encouragement and words of advice! You rock! Also, Alli in the Meadow is truly one of the most amazing people I've ever met – a big thanks to her for sitting with me when I was feeling like crap. _

_Playlist: In My Place by Coldplay_

**Chapter Fourteen: The Prodigal**

EPOV:

The flight seemed so much longer than it really was. The few hours it took to cross the country lasted for an eternity for me, an eternity of trepidation and shame. I didn't know how I could even face Carlisle and Esme. They were such essentially _kind_ people, and I was just…the opposite. I was like a devil, a sinner, a true bad egg. At that moment in time, I honestly couldn't see any redeeming qualities in myself. Not even my skill with computers was an asset, seeing the way I used it. Everything I ever had been given I'd twisted into something ugly. And that's what I was: ugly, through and through.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are approaching Sea-Tac Airport." A voice over the intercom began, informing us of the apparently wonderful fact that we were going to land imminently. My stomach churned uncomfortably at the thought.

What if I just didn't get on that flight to Port Angeles? What if I just got on another plane, one going somewhere, anywhere else. I could go to Bermuda, Mexico, China. Anywhere. I could continue running, avoid facing my life.

But then I'd always be living in this manner, in this unhappy state. For a long time I'd been able to convince myself that I wasn't unhappy with my lot – that I was perfectly content living only for myself, by whatever rules I could contrive. But that had been a lie – and now I needed to face what I'd done. For whatever that would bring me.

The flight to Port Angeles was so much more difficult from New York to Seattle. While the first flight was smooth and subtle, this was rough, jolting, and startling. Part of me was terrified that we'd fall right out of the sky. The other part of me was loved the rush of adrenaline that came bursting through me. It was like being high, but not quite as effective. And I desperately needed a fix. It had been far too long since I'd last had _anything_, and the effects were really starting to wear on me. My palms began to sweat and I could feel myself shaking ever so slightly. I could only imagine what the other passengers thought of me – the strung out, bedraggled, _thing_ in the seat next to them.

_One Hour Later_:

"A Volvo?" I asked, incredulous. "That's all you have?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but that's the only car we can rent to you right now." The slightly-harrassed woman working at the counter responded.

Sighing, I decided that I might as well not push my luck. At least I _had_ a car.

"Fine. Whatever." I grabbed the keys from the woman, and exited as quickly as I could.

In all honesty, I didn't know what I had been so resistant to the Volvo. Despite the old-man connotations it inspired, the car really had _class. _Gleaming silver in the early-afternoon light, I thought that it was the sort of car that Carlisle would have wanted me to drive. It spoke a subtle hint at wealth, with a tinge of responsibility and of course an edge of wild, pure _speed_. I liked it. It was like the car for who I _should_ have been. And now I could at least pretend for a while.

The drive to Carlisle and Esme's house was longer than I had anticipated. Much longer. The endless drive over slick highways past enormous green trees made me wonder who in their right mind would ever want to live all the way out here. I couldn't understand what people _did_ out here, when there was nothing anywhere around them.

At least I had GPS in the rental car. If not, I was sure that I would have missed the narrow, serpentine path that led to the Cullen house. Driving over the gravel drive, my breath spiked and sputtered. I'd never been afraid in my life. Not of anything. Not even when I'd been beaten and jailed. Nothing ever really fazed me. Until now. Until I tried to approach this house. How could these two people bring such a reaction out of me? How could they shake me to my core, make me question my entire existence? Why did I suddenly feel like the prodigal son?

I stopped the car a good distance from the house, parking to the side of the drive, facing the massive expanse of well-manicured lawn. The house was incredible, perfect, everything that I knew it would be. No matter where Carlisle and Esme were living, Esme always re-did an old house. They usually ended up just like this one. It was three stories, white, with a wide wrap-around porch. Flowers bloomed outside, and an outbuilding peeked out from just behind the house. It looked like something from the 1920s; I could just picture Esme sitting outside with a glass of iced tea.

God, I was really being a pussy. Seriously. Who the hell was I, sitting in this Volvo, thinking about iced tea? I wondered briefly if Jasper had slipped me something that night. I certainly wasn't acting myself.

"Suck it up, Cullen." I muttered, opening the car door and stepping out into the misty afternoon air. I knew they were home – the living room lights glowed pleasantly. So I had no other choice but to go up to the door and knock.

Before I could make it any more than a few paces, the door was opened and I saw Carlisle standing silhouetted in the glow from the house. His expression was blank at first, like he couldn't comprehend what it was that he was seeing. He stepped forward, squinting his eyes slightly as he watched me. For a moment, I wondered if he would recognize me.

"Edward?" He breathed, practically whispering. Of course Carlisle would remember me. Of course.

"Hello, Carlise." I responded quietly, so quietly that I wasn't sure if he would even hear me.

He didn't make a move for a few moments, instead just stood there, watching me with an utterly shocked expression. I couldn't take it – couldn't take the feeling that he'd never believed that I'd show my face again, that he never even thought about it.

"Look, I'm sorry I came." I muttered, looking down. "I'll just get out of your way, then."

Before I could take one step back to my car, he cried, "Wait!" in a desperate, sudden outpouring of breath. He jogged the few steps down the porch and to me, grapping me in a tight hug the moment he reached me.

Shock is too small a word to capture what I was feeling at that moment. I couldn't understand how this man, this mad that I had done so much wrong against, could possibly stand to touch me. How he could even want me here, at his home.

"Edward, thank God. I thought I'd never see you again, son." He whispered as he released me, still gripping the tops of my arms in his pale hands.

I didn't reply, couldn't reply as he stared at me, happiness shining out of his face. I tried to avert my eyes, feeling ashamed – someone like me shouldn't look into the eyes of a man like this. It would be like the Devil looking into the eyes of God himself. For that's what Carlisle was like – a God, a perfect, angelic being sent from heaven wrongly, unjustly doomed to live on such a cruel planet.

"Edward, it's so good that you've come back to us." He said, glowing almost too intensely for me to look at.

"I shouldn't even…" I began, only to be cut off.

"No, Edward, listen to me. You _should_ have. You should have come back years ago! We've never blamed you for what happened that night, it's not something that you should have run away from us because of."

"Carlisle, it_ was_." I snapped back. "You know it was! You saw what I was that night, what I did! You saw that I'm a monster!" 

"Then what are you here for?" He shot back. "What would a monster come back for? Are you here to rob us again, Edward?" He paused for a brief moment, as if awaiting a response for me. "I thought not. You were never a bad person, Edward. You made some bad decisions. You don't deserve to be punishing yourself this way."

"I'm sorry, Carlisle." Was all I said, all I could say at that moment. "I'm so very sorry for the way that I've acted. You deserved better."

"Oh Edward, you're more than forgiven." He said gently, squeezing my arms with a small pressure. "You're my son, and I love you. I will always love you, no matter what."

With that final word from Carlisle, everything was suddenly clear, sharp, crystalline, and vivid. It had never been about what I'd done to them that night, not in the way I thought. It had rather been about my leaving, my utter belief that I couldn't return.

I'd been a complete idiot; of course I could have returned. Carlisle and Esme – they were my _parents_. They loved me – no matter what. Unconditionally and irrevocably. The sad part was that it had taken me this long to realize it. The thing was, I hadn't really understood what a parent _was_ before. Not fully. Before I'd come to the Cullens, parents had been people that _did_ care about you – but they were people that demanded respect. Demanded that everything be done just their way. With Carlisle and Esme, things were different. The embodied what it really _meant_ to be a parent. They'd loved me, fully and truly. They'd accepted all of my good and bad parts. To them, I wasn't a statistic, a stereotype, anything like that. To Carlisle and Esme, I was Edward Cullen. Their son, who could never do wrong, who they believed was _good_ deep inside, despite what I sometimes conveyed. They saw my _light_. They've always been able to see it.

I thought of Bella in that moment, who still didn't have a real parent. Biology meant nothing. Charlie was no more of her father than Edward Masen Sr. had been mine. I was so fucking lucky. Hell, I knew that I still _was_ fucking lucky. Why hadn't I seen it before? How could I have wasted so much time running around like a dumb fuck? As it turned out, my idiocy was my greatest fault. Because of it, I'd damaged myself irreparably. Hopefully now I could begin the painfully difficult process of setting things to rights.

"Carlisle, I don't know what to say…" I began, uncertain of how to express my newfound revelations to him.

"Say that you'll come in." He responded, smiling at me. "I'm sure Esme will be so thrilled that you've come back to us."

_Author's Note (again, sorry): Just so you guys know, I'm back at college now and have classes starting up next week. That does mean that updates will be a little slower than usual, but I am trying to get this story done by December, if you were curious. Please review!_


	16. Chapter 15

_Author's Note: I know. This update also took me a year, or something crazy like that. My only excuse is that I just really haven't had the chance to really write. I studied abroad in Spain this past winter semester, and did some traveling around Europe and Africa, so that's my excuse (yes, it was an AMAZING trip). But I have a TON of new material, and new stories will be added soon! But I wanted to update this story so you guys know I haven't forgotten! Please review! Love you all! _

_Playlist: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem (seriously you need to listen to this while reading – really it just fits)_

**Chapter Fifteen: Blind Eyes**

BPOV:

It wasn't something that I could get used to – the feeling of Jacob's arms around me. It was comfort, warmth, happiness, all at once. But at the same time, it was none of those things. It was possessive, jealous, hurtful, domineering. My emotions swirled far too fast when I was around him; I couldn't seem to understand what it was that I was feeling. One thing I knew for certain: I wouldn't be giving Jacob up anytime soon; he was like a drug that I couldn't stop using without enduring endless pain – of all sorts.

"I'm so sorry, Bells." He murmured, pressing his face into my hair. "You don't know how sorry I am for what happened."

"It's okay, Jake." I soothed, folding myself tighter into his warm embrace. "You just…you were protective of me."

I tried to ignore the nagging feeling in my gut that my words weren't really truthful; I tried to ignore the nagging feeling that Jake was more like Charlie that I had ever imagined. I just would have to chalk up my misgivings to the way I'd grown up – of course I'd be looking for another Charlie. That was it. It had to be.

It was hard to hold on to my suspicions of him, in truth. He was just so warm, loving, and gentle. Sure, he was built, and clearly worked at it, but it wasn't like that made him mean. Not all buff guys were crazy with the rage. It's not like he was on anything. He wasn't _that_ built.

And there was just something about the way Jacob _was_. He never talked about anything serious, never made me think past the moment we were in. He made me feel almost content with my life, made me think that maybe I didn't really need college after all. Maybe life could just be this simple. Maybe.

When I really thought about it, staying in Forks seemed like the best decision at this point. It's not like I'd be at Charlie's forever – I could always stay at Jake's. And college? All that work, studying, analyzing, it was totally not worth it. After all, I didn't even have any friends there anymore. I'd only ever really been close with Alice, and sometimes I hung out with her other friends, but our only connection was Alice. Without Alice in my life, I was a nobody. I had nobody. Nobody except Jacob, that is. One of the things I liked best about him was that he was all mine, connected to me and my past. He'd known me for a long time, and everyone that he hung out with made me feel like I was friends with them too. Jacob was everything warm, comforting, and wonderful.

And those nagging worry moments never really lasted that long anyway. Nobody's perfect. Not even Jacob.

"Do you see that?" Jacob said, pointing to the cliffs far above us. I looked up in time to see Sam Uley, one of Jacob's closest friends, hurl himself off the highest point, totally naked and screaming.

Definitely not something you see everyday.

Frantic, I threw myself out of Jacob's hold, panicked at the sight. "Jake! What're we going to do! He's so far out there!" I practically screamed, unable to accept that I'd just seen my boyfriend's friend kill himself.

"God, Bella, chill!" Jacob exclaimed, restraining me from behind with both of his hands closing around my upper arms. "He's not suicidal!"

"What?" I asked, now thoroughly confused. If he didn't have a death wish, why would he literally throw himself to his death?

"Look." Jacob pointed out over the water just as Sam's head broke the surface, bobbing in the dark Pacific waters.

"Oh my God." That was all I could say. He'd survived. And Jacob had known he would. "So this was…for fun?" I could barely grasp the concept of doing something like that for mere enjoyment. Clearly, Jacob's friends were crazy.

"It's cliff diving, Bella!" Jacob sounded annoyed. Maybe I was supposed to think what Sam had done was brave and impressive, instead of frightening and stupid. "You can't tell me that you've never even heard of it before! You grew up in Forks, for fucks sake!"

I turned and gave him a look, mad that he didn't remember. "Jacob, I can't swim. So I wouldn't have heard of it! I've never gone out to the beach with anyone besides Charlie!"

Jacob laughed at this, laughed with an edge that I didn't like. "I forgot about that." He finally managed to get out. As much as I loved to hear him laugh, it just didn't seem like we were laughing about something together. It seemed like he was laughing _at me_. And that hurt. But it's not like that was the first time that had ever happened.

"I think you should probably get me home, now." I murmured as he pulled me back into his muscled chest, his arms snaking around my waist.

"What's the rush, Bella?" He mumbled into my hair, gently kissing my neck.

I shivered, trying to stay focused. And that was a feat, let me tell you; Jacob was insanely attractive.

"Jake, I just want to go home, okay?" I said, turning in his arms to face him.

"Fine!" He huffed, shoving me backwards so hard that I fell to the ground.

"Asshole." I muttered, too low for him to hear. He didn't need to be so rough – I wasn't like his friends that were so resilient like him. I was more fragile, and I guess Jacob just couldn't understand that.

He held his hand out to me, still annoyed, but apologetic for making me fall. Sure, Jacob wasn't perfect, but he wasn't evil either. In life we need to find the balance between light and dark, happy and sad. I was still having trouble with that. After Charlie's crap, I guess I just wanted everything else to be perfect. Jacob was most definitely not that. But I could at least make an effort.

"Hey, Jake would you like to stay for dinner tonight? I'm sure there's a game on that Charlie'll have on."

"Love to, Bells." He said with a wicked gleam in his eyes that made me shiver.

_Three Hours Later_:

Cooking dinner had gone fine. Actually, it had been nice for once. Charlie was actually happy when he got home, happy to see Jake in the kitchen, eating bits of food and not really helping me at all, but making me breathless with laughter. They'd retreated back into the living room after that, to get to some baseball game or other, while I finished dinner – we were having enchiladas.

Serving dinner was where everything went to hell. I'd always been clumsy, but with all the weird happiness in the house, I'd forgotten to take extra care when I carried out Jake and Charlie's plates. So of course the food ended up spilling all over both of them. Honestly, they should have just been impressed that while falling I managed to spill on both of them. Really, who else could have done that?

"Jesus fucking Christ, Bella!" Charlie yelled, shooting up from his chair as the hot food landed on him. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"I…I….I'm sorry, Charlie, I t-tripped…" I stammered, thrown that he would start this sort of act in front of Jacob. I hadn't even though about Jacob yet.

"What about fucking me, Bella? What about me? You just throw food all over me, but who the fuck cares? You don't even put out…Christ Bella!"

It was then that I had two men fuming standing over me. And I knew that Charlie and Jacob had found something new to bond over.

I wouldn't say that I blacked out, but reality seemed to fade in and out and they took their turns hurting me. I knew I'd have to officially quit Newton's after this – I'd never be able to cover it all up unless I wore a parka.

Alice would have liked that, I thought briefly as images of me going to work for the rest of the summer in a parka flashed through my brain later that night as I lay alone in my room, peaceful for once, only to be nearly overcome with a wave of depressed sadness. Oh Alice. How could she have done this to me? How could I have thought that she was such a good friend, someone who would be there for me no matter what? How could she have just turned on me like that, said things that were so hurtful to me? It was an almost inconceivable concept. Friendship lost. Friendship that was never even there in the first place, but I was too blind to see it because I was so starved for it. I guessed that made me the pathetic one. Like usual. The one that everyone looked at as a joke. Or worst of all, someone not even worth their time. Someone not even worth looking at. How could so many people just walk by me all the time, and never really see me? Why couldn't anyone see how much pain I was in? Why couldn't I make them _see_?

What was I even doing anymore? What was the point? Was there something that I was actually _doing_ with my life? Where was my goal? I used to be so driven, so excited about my future. A future that contained everything, anything, that I'd always hoped for. I'd had such faith that I could make it happen. But now? Now I was just sitting around, doing nothing, going nowhere, hating everything about my existence. I asked myself again: what was the point?

_Dear Diary,_

_There is no longer a point to my life. Therefore, I have decided to end it. After all, I cannot gone on the way I am. I no longer see a purpose to my life, other than being thrown around by my father and my boyfriend. This is all I am and all I will ever have. I don't mean to sound pathetic and whiny, but I can see the truth in my life. Therefore, I just don't want to go on. And guess what? I don't have to. So I won't._

_Sincerely,_

_Bella_

That was all I typed for the first time in weeks. I hadn't really meant it as I typed it out – it was just a whim, the way you type something crazy just to type it. But this was…well, different. Why couldn't I just end it? It's not like it would be that hard. And then it would be _over_. All over, completely. And right now, that felt pretty damn good.


	17. Author's Note

Author's Note (reposted):

So sorry about teasing you guys like this, but I really needed to do this author's note. I wanted you all to know that I do still love you, and I still am working on this story. I had almost completed a few new chapters, however, my computer recently crashed (hardcore crashed) and I lost a lot of files. I am hoping to recover some files, but as it is I have to start over with the new chapters. I do hope to finish them very soon however, as I know you all have been very patient with me.

Also, I have been toying around with the idea of starting a blog for my writing, so you can visit me at: g r a c e - i s - w r i t i n g . b l o g s p o t . c o m (no spaces) and check that out. Currently there is nothing there, but I will work on it more as I get time.

Again, thanks for sticking in with me, and I'll get you all a chapter eventually!

Yours,

Grace in Chaos


	18. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen: Words that Cut with Reality**

Soundtrack: The A Team (Cover by Birdy, originally by Ed Sheeran)

Author's Note: Okay guys, I know you must hate me for not giving you anything in SO LONG. I know. I seriously hate myself for not working on this more. I legitimately have no excuse except for the fact that I'm busy and working on another novel that I'm not publishing on this site for hope of future publication for sale. So. I have no excuses, and I won't try to pretend like I haven't been lazy about this project. But I am seriously going to try to finish this during the next couple of months. So that's why this chapter is so short – I'm working on something longer, but I wanted to give you a little something to hold you over. Finally, reviews are the cat's meow, and I'd love to hear from you guys. Please? They only make me write faster ;) Love you all! Enjoy!

As I sat in my room – the room of my childhood, the room of my 'home', the room I grew up in, the room that was my prison – I couldn't help but feel the loss of everything. It wasn't just that school wasn't going the way I wanted it to, or that my family sucked, or that my love life was a shit-pile. It was everything – where I had been and where I was going. It was everything that I had, and everything that I didn't. For the life of me, I just couldn't see what the point was anymore. Why did I have to continue on like this? How could anything ever get better? Why should I sit around waiting for it to get better, when I knew that it wouldn't? I felt like I'd spent my entire life waiting for things to get better – I told myself that they would after this, after that, in a few years, after I finish this. But you know what? Life was a big heaping pile of shit. Shit that stunk and rotted on my pathetic, ugly, unwanted, unloved, dying corpse. The therapists were always going to be wrong – they'd try to make me go and introduce myself to people, say hi, make things 'better' for myself. They'd tell me I could do it.

But that was all a crock of crap. Saying hello to people wouldn't work and never has. It would just be me butting in where I clearly wasn't wanted, and never would be. Hell, even if I did manage to meet people it would probably turn out to be a bunch of shit anyway. Look at damn Jacob. That fuck-face made me think he'd be my savior – finally that one person who cared about me, who'd look out for me and be there. The one person who would finally love me. But he wasn't. He never was. He just wanted to get in my pants, and then beat me when that wasn't good enough. He was just a stupid fuck. Like everyone who would ever be in my life. That's all I had. I had to face it.

Looking at my hands, I understood the truth, finally, once and for all. My life was shit. It was never going to get better. In 20 god-damn years it hadn't gotten better. I'd been telling myself that it would for all those years. Hell, I'd been looking forward to it – to that beautiful future in which I was successful, beautiful, loved, and happy. But guess what? That wasn't actually going to happen.

So why not end it? Why not just say 'fuck it' and leave it all behind. It's not like anyone would miss me. And heaven and hell? That was all probably one big crock too. God couldn't exist. Not with everything that had happened to me. People said he wanted to test me, make me stronger. But you know what? That's crap. I shouldn't have had to deal with all this fucking crap.

At that moment, as I looked up from my hands and out to the dark forest outside my window, I realized the truth. What I was going to do. What I had to do.

"Just end it." I whispered to myself in the dark. "Just end it."

Just saying the words felt better, gave me a sense of relief. I didn't have to do it. I could just slip off and cease to be. Everything would just be over, final, done and easy. What I had written in my diary…it didn't have to just be me venting. I could just make it a reality, and finally end all of this.

"But how?" I wondered. I was never one for masochism, and I didn't think I'd have to courage to cut myself…or, I shivered as a I though, shoot myself. So pills? Maybe? But that could be messy. There was no guarantee that I'd get the right dose and not just end up in the hospital with the pumping my guts out. So. How then?

Suddenly, I remembered driving out at La Push a couple weeks ago with Jacob. He'd been yelling at me, and I'd tried to zone out, looking out the window. I'd seen a group of teenage guys jumping off a cliff into the Pacific. Cliff diving, Jacob told me when I'd asked. He'd hit me when I asked if we could try. He said…that I'd probably just end up dead.

And I could. I wasn't a strong swimmer, I never had been. Sure, I could float, but not well. So if the water was rough, and a storm was blowing in. Well, that would solve that.

"Done." I whispered again, smiling to myself for the first time in what felt like years. Finally feeling relief. Finally feeling like it would be okay again.


End file.
